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Ok I wrote two poems last night. Can you guys tell me which one is better?

Two for no tomorrow:
Black and white,
Like a dusty shadow film
The memories dance in a train of deciet
Her and me and she and I.
We played hide and seek amongst the ruins of her palace
her smile, ignited Bliss.
Those tiny fingertips
tracing my skin like a knife
she wore red ribbons that day,
now she wears black.
Her eyes shaped little lies
two for no tommorow, she whispered my name
like a proper little slut
she said it like it was real
like I was real
and then she gave me all the blame.
Those pale nettle stung lips,
eyes like china dolls
either way, she was prettier then them

rain slices me like time
but you say, how can it hurt something non existent?

Cursed
to spend the rest of my life
Kept away on a cobwebbed shelf
shattered but breathing
or at least...pretending to breathe
while my wife covered her face with a black veil
and blew me a kiss of goodbye
and chocolate
and then...I faded.

This is the second one.

You killed me:
A butterfly's whisper of distilled chaos
the clock ticks in morbid reccolection
of time and place
and the destiny we had shaped with our long lashed eyes

My american eyes...see...
her caress with his rancid skin
clawing her way into my sihlleoted heart
their sharp laughter drifting into one,
as their skins mold into a sweaty statue
can you feel me now?
those brief minutes of bliss as
her hand married mine
and we danced in a black faced trance
she surrendered fifteen lies
the shadows play their enchanted ritual
on the walls where she used to
...breathe
my....breath...now grows hollow
as her white face fades from my polaroid
the moths glint silver
and I run the blade
retracing your fingertips
each goddamned teasing stroke
black tears fall to your scars
Drama Queen Come Undone
And you said, with a smirk, that I was just another teenage whore
standing in a pool of crimson
falling into you.

Ok so can you tell me which one is better? I wrote them at like three in the morning so there not that great.

------
Briggita M.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Two for no tommorow"
by Glass hair of a virgin bride

subjective
it's impossible to say, that's all. You use the despair that seems to have been the grist to mill of young artists since the year dot and you use it well. Both stark and mesmerizing, these poems conjure up so many images. I look forward to your next work and the one after that.
Seeya
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: March 28, 2004 )





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