History's Garden
by Clairesbest (Member) - published: March 15, 2004
Word Count: 241 Word Bytes: 1904 Viewed: 2226 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Clairesbest

8.63

(33 votes)

Rating	Rated by

10	amethyst

10	arc

8	Bartleby

8	blightedstar

9	brickhouse

10	byronius

8	chapter1

8	chughes

10	deignster

9	die_daily

8	Elphaba

10	EndlessFear

10	evil_bacteria

10	eyescovered

9	hazelfaern

9	Idomis

10	JEANNIE45

6	Jessicanm

10	jodeign

8	johnb79

9	Judi1

10	Maestroe

9	northerain

8	pebblesogden

9	Penelope

7	pooky28

10	rcallaci

1	RightingIt

10	Shaggy

10	simone183

6	SkyTigress

9	Sneaky

7	Spudley

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Behold a garden like no other
for it needs no tender, and
self-sustains its grandeur,
holding neglected treasures
now vigorously sought.

Platform to pyramids,
burial ground for pharaohs,
and the walk of those who
wandered forty years at penance
in search of milk and honey.

Endless canvas for lovers
drawing hearts with drifting
sticks, or shedding tears over
love now lost, cradling laments
and wishes gone but long remembered.

Offering up the iridescent
shell or floated message,
the playground of tiny hands
constructing melting castles where
wizened crabs will safely rest.

Harbinger of history.
Sturdy anchor of the landing
craft delivering men prepared
to die for principles held dear,
absorbing blood and sacrifice.

Strong barrier to raging rivers
crept too far outside their bounds,
sacks hastily filled by the
relentless to halt nature's
wrath and protect from peril.

A primer for the scholars
with burning need to know
the past, an arid vault of
artifacts which serve to teach
of men and days long dead.

Sometimes singer of death’s knell
for the thirsty wandering lost;
Just as often, oasis' gate
which leads to respite and
sweetness of refreshment.

Mysterious mattress on the
bedrock, paved with a million
diamonds when the sun is perfectly
placed, almost blinding the beholder
unable to determine the horizon.

Favored feast of artists
possessed of knowing pen who
paint a face on things elusive,
the mundane, the brave, or place
which cast the footsteps of a king.

Comments

The following comments are for "History's Garden"
by Clairesbest

Nice Work!
Very nice read, Claire! Best of luck to you.

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

Sand dollars
Wow! This is a tough one to call. As one who rhymes, I am more tolerant than some free verse writers and can appreciate any collection of well chosen words. My only gripe with this is the line breaks but there were only a few which created a problem for me as I read it aloud. In paticular, the first verse line ending with 'and' which I noticed in the second verse had been placed for easier reading. Line breaks, so I've been told, create the flow of the poem or detract from it.
That being said, I am impressed with the vignette stanzas that create a multitude of considerations on the topic given. After reading this several times, I can not choose a favourite stanza ... but .. oh the ending! What a wonderful finish.
As one who has competed in the Write Offs, I know just how difficult it is to be given a topic and have to wax poetic on it. I think both of you did marvelous job and of the two poems, I preferred this one.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

Diamonds in Sand
I was off-struck by your choice of tender in the second line -- why? When tender seems to connotate sensitivity or the ability of a thing to act as a form of payment ("legal tender"). I think I would have preferred "tending" there.

And perhaps it's just the impact of the first reading, but I felt overwhelmed by the myriad descriptions, wishing you had chosen fewer or connected them chronologically, relating them through time as it passes.

Still, it has a kind of lush beauty. I agree with Pen that your last stanza is a doozey, a killer take-away, a total validation for everything which came before.

Both poems are exquisitely wrought. I think I prefer the other, but just by a fine hair's breadth. Given my way I'd rate yours a 9 and the other (Sandboxes) a 9.5

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

made me feel good
This poem made me feel good and the end is way great. Each verse is like a separate poem put together to make a whole garden. I really like your poems.

( Posted by: simone183 [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

great
It is a great poem but just like penlope i like ryhming but still it is a beautiful poem n i give full props 2 u

( Posted by: Maestroe [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

History's Garden
Hello Clairesbest, Judi1 here repetetiveness is a learning tool. Good job!

( Posted by: Judi1 [Member] On: March 15, 2004 )

blown away....
Claire, you have such power in your words. I love rhyming poetry, but the imagery that you have projected in this piece is painfully vivid and true. You have a real gift!

( Posted by: blightedstar [Member] On: March 16, 2004 )

Wonderful ey
that was great. I really enjoy free style writing. I really enjoyed your expression and taste for wording. Great jorb.

( Posted by: tunerdwarf [Member] On: March 16, 2004 )

tough choice
I wanted to give strangedaze a better rating, simply because I like the idea of people being incinerated, but I just couldn't find any fault with your poem. Damn you! There's nothing wrong with it!

I'd say more, but the fact that I'm giving a 10 to something that doesnt rhyme says it all. Fantastic job.

( Posted by: evil_bacteria [Member] On: March 16, 2004 )

Beautiful
This is one of the most vivid and beautiful poems that I have ever read here. You did a marvelous job!

( Posted by: amethyst [Member] On: March 16, 2004 )

A fine weave
Brava. A beautifully woven poem. You've created wonderful images that danced in my mind. Free style at its best. Your second stanza was my favorite, Yul Brenner and Charleston Hestson kept popping in my head. Great Job

I loved both poems, they both moved and touched my head and heart, two different voices both beautiful. Your both champions, I choose you both as the winners.

warmest regards
Bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: March 16, 2004 )

Raging Rivers
Clairebest;

Such powerful words, as you has given me a great imagery of this piece. You write with such "Passion" I love all of your work.

I had to score you and your "Opponent" a perfect [10] both poems had me in astonishment.

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 18, 2004 )

neck n' neck
Wow, this one is going down to the wire. It was and is a pleasure to share the stage with you. I'll comment once more when on Sunday when all the voting and whatnot is in and finalized. Once again, great job!

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: March 19, 2004 )

hugs and smiles
I want to take just a moment to thank everyone for reading, rating and commenting. I'm not even sure when this comes to a close, but I so enjoyed this experience, and regardless of the outcome, I have learned so much from this experience...about myself, about my writing, about human nature, support, and most pronounced, about competition with a classy, classy person...strangedaze, I told you on yours, it has been an honor.

Claire

P.S. I'm not going to have to dance on the table or anything if I lose am I? LOL :)

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: March 19, 2004 )

late vote
Hi. Sorry I'm late in voting for this write off.

I've given Strangedaze the win here I'm afraid - going against the popular vote, it would seem.

This poem has it's moments, but I have to be honest and say I struggled through it. In fact, that's part of the reason I didn't vote until so late; I tried to read it earlier in the week, and didn't get much out of it, so I left it and came back to it later. Usually doing that helps me find something in a poem, but here I am several days later, having read though it several times, and I'm still not really getting it.

Maybe it's just me - looking at the comments and scores here, it seems everyone else liked it, so I guess I'm reading it wrong. I'll try reading it again tomorrow, but I can't give it a good score after it's taken me this long to read though, especially when Strangedaze's poem worked for me after just a couple of readings.

Score: A low 7.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: March 19, 2004 )

History......
This poem paints a vivid picture. Depicts vivid emotions and makes them tangible. I do not want to point any fingers, but if you must read this 3-9 times, perhaps the Action figure Site is a more suitable alternative. Lovely poem

score: 10+

( Posted by: jodeign [Member] On: March 20, 2004 )

density
Claire~

I really enjoyed this poem, but felt that it suffered from a bit too much density. Your werse is teeming with beautiful imagery and language, but I believe that your point is perhaps a little less accessable because of it. Excellent work, but this go around I'm giving the nod to SD. It's been a pleasure seeing you step up to the plate on this, I'll be looking forward to seeing you as a competitor again.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: March 20, 2004 )

last words...
For those who found this piece moving or enjoyable, I am grateful. For those who did not, I am also grateful because it gives me some insight as to why. There is not a minority or majority opinion here. People like and are moved by different things...scores are a product of chance in readership. If we all reacted to the same things the same way, how boring the world would be!

I personally found "sandboxes" to be awesome, and had I been an objective bystander, would have scored it at the pinnacle of excellence.
I will always step up to the plate and enjoy doing so...because to do so is not only challenging but very educational.

I am grateful for the chance to have participated :)

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: March 20, 2004 )

thirsty wandering lost
Perhaps a concluding stanza? I believe you're talking about the Bible, but there's no satisfaction when I get to the end.

( Posted by: SkyTigress [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

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