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The Great Toast Conspiracy. It is among us, and threatens our very existence. Or economic freedom, or at least the bread farmers, who work year round, tending the breadtrees that feed our people who are dependent upon tuna sandwiches at lunch. (Does bread grow on a tree or a vine? I can't (remember.) Allow me to explain.
Everyone knows that you put bread into a toaster. That's the simple part. But what comes out? Warmed bread? No! Toast comes out, and this is common knowledge as well. But nobody asks the obvious question: "bread went in and toast came out, so what happened to the bread?" Indeed, what did happen to the bread?

We can only speculate at this point. First, we must think about what could have happened to the bread. The obvious possibility of gremlins is to be ruled out, for we have conducted extensive research and despite staring at 500 different toasters for about 1,000 slice preparations each, no gremlins were spotted. Also, a recent survey found that approximately 97% of all gremlins treat both bread and toast as extremely taboo items, and would never handle either one. The remaining three percent are not enough to carry out such a large scale operation. The gremlins might make starting your car impossible just before Prom, but they are innocent of this conspiracy.

This could be caused by a natural wormhole formed by the heating of otherwise undetectable exotic trace elements in the nichrome wire heating elements. The wormhole could pull the bread through a trans-dimensional gateway without actually crossing over into the next dimension (most likely the second). This could transmute the elements in the biochemical makeup of both white and wheat breads, and possibly transform the bread into toast. The effect of the wormhole would cause a distortion in the space time continuum, meaning that it would never seem to disappear. Most cereologists and cosmologists agree that this is highly unlikely, as the creation of the wormhole would create a bright flash of light and release enormous quanities of energy, and toasters do not do either of these things.

We assume that the toasting device (ovens have been reported to do this as well, though with much less frequency) uses N-space modulation to rotate the matter into the 7th dimension where distance is irrelevant, so that the bread is "teleported" to some hidden cache of bread. The toasting devices then replace the bread with toast. The effect would be instant, and there would be no noticeable signs of it happening.
We assume that the toasting devices plan to corner the world food market, and force us to name them the first Oligarchic Dicatorate of Earth. We have no methods to combat this without government cooperation in hunting down their secret stash. Write letters to the U.N.!

Of course, this could all be the long arm of the illustrious King Toaster (may his nichrome wiring last ten thousand years). As this is most likely the case, vote for me as Primary Puppet Representative of the Human Peons to the Mighty Oligarchic Dictatorate of Earth. All hail the infallible O.D.E. of the Inoxerable Toasting Devices!

-by The Recycled Avatar

"You have lied to me, my dear Morpheous, and I have ended our little game; I wonder if I fear the truth more than your lies?"

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The following comments are for "The Great Toast Conspiracy"
by The Recycled Avatar

Helpful Input
When you leave a pop-tart in the toaster for a long-ish time, eventually you'll get this flash, followed by a huge gout of blue flame from out the toaster. No doubt these wormholes you speak of are being used to transform pop-tarts into crust black matter and broken toaster innards.

Either way, the fact that pop-tarts appear to be highly combustible is less than comforting.

( Posted by: Beckett Grey [Member] On: December 31, 2001 )

Flammable Pops?
The one high profile pop tart case that I'm familiar with went like so: this lady put some pop tarts in, she left the house to drive her kids to school, pop tarts got stuck in toast, pop tarts catch on fire, woman returns home, and woman sues Pop Tart company.

I don't believe she won the case. So, maybe there is still a little justice in the world.

Nice piece, Avatar. Funny and thought provoking.

( Posted by: Richard Dani [Member] On: December 31, 2001 )

y'know what, mister. you should take my advice and become a columnist for the weekly world news. seriously! i never thought toasters would be up to that mischief. *scratches head* now, go get your job and tell everyone else.

( Posted by: Veruca Salt [Member] On: January 3, 2002 )

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