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I would like to begin this by thanking all of those wonderful people who helped me in my search for the toasting device's secret underground stash of bread. (Thanks mom, Crazy Bob...)

There is an even greater menace to society lurking nearby. I had failed to see it, even though it was right under my nose, and occasionally on my plate at breakfast time. Yes, poptarts are conspiring to take over the world, and force all six billion of the human population into slavery as penance for our horrifying crimes against them. As usual, I have managed to stay just one step ahead of them.
I currently believe that they are capable of mind control. I stumbled upon this when I attempted to contact the president of Kellog and learn what weaknesses these foul creatures may have. The secretary merely laughed at me. Clearly, the Poptarts have been in control of this facility for some time, and were mocking my belated efforts to bring about their demise.
I then attempted to contact the president of Hostess, a company well-known for it's poptart imitations. My logic was that the Hostess pastry is so similar to the familiar Poptart that it would invariably share some weakness with its more prominent relative. I shocked when the secretary laughed hysterically at me. The Poptarts are indeed cunning little beings.
The responses were the same throughout the pages of companies who make imitation tarts. I was left to conduct my experiments alone, defying the risk of having a seemingly cute and innocent Poptart fly from it's package to the back of my skull, cutting its way in and sucking out my brains! I felt safer after I had donned my tungsten-steel alloy armor and helmet, and immediatly began to study them.
First, I decided to confirm that Poptarts truly are intelligent beings. I conducted the standard Loftinian-Toaster test for intelligence. After a scant few minutes in the toaster, the Poptart had curled itself, obviously attempting to shield it's body from excessive heat. There was no other reaction, though, so I must conclude that they and the toasters are working in conjunction. I decided to contact the Pentagon, but again, the hysterical laughter of a Poptart controlled mind. Indeed, they are cunning.
At this point, you may be wondering how I could be staying one step ahead of the Poptarts if they are beating me to everything. I wondered this for a while myself and came to the following conclusion: we are facing each other. As in the Poptarts and I. You see, by us facing each other, I can remain one step ahead of them (from their point of view) while they remain one step ahead of me (from my point of veiw). After this, I realized that if I could become a Poptart, I would be one step ahead of myself who is one step ahead of the Poptarts, thus placing two steps between them and me. My four-month Poptart Transformational Odessy has failed, however, so I will continue in a more conventional manner.
Nonetheless, I did manage to discover their plot. At precisely 4:37 P.M. EST (American) on 12/22/03, they will transform every coffee mug in all the government offices of the world into a small inanimate blue duck, thus causing chaos when the world governments all fall into a decaffeinated slumber. (For some unknown reason, they will also be doing this to every seller of spandex in the Vatican. I believe that the Vatican's spandex is an effective armor against their mind control abilities.)
After thus paralyzing both our government and our only effective means of protection against their obviously awesome telepathic powers, they will be free to force us to throw ourselves into the Giant Toaster of Death, which was built to avenge their fallen.
Please don't let this happen! Order spandex for your congressmen today from the Vatican! Also, help me in my attempt to stop this before it goes any farther; write to the Pentagon and lobby support for allowing me to deliver nuclear warheads to Kellog's production headquarters! (If I cannot obtain government nuclear warheads, I will have to try to make my own from gerbils and duct tape. Please, don't let this happen!)

-The Recycled Avatar


------
"You have lied to me, my dear Morpheous, and I have ended our little game; I wonder if I fear the truth more than your lies?"
-TRA


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Comments

The following comments are for "Pop-Tarts: The Real Menace"
by The Recycled Avatar

geez!
i hate to see your talent go to waste! go get a job at weekly world news! i'm telling you, you would be awesome!

( Posted by: Veruca Salt [Member] On: January 4, 2002 )

most excellent
this kind of bizarre and crazy story telling is right up my alley. besides that, it's written and structured well. nice job.

( Posted by: nightshade [Member] On: May 22, 2002 )





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