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9b. schatz
7blackswan
7JEANNIE45
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A lone figure walks down the path leading away from the city, there was no escaping this new world that had developed while she was away. Many couples passed looking happy and in love. The figure felt a tugging gently at her ear. She turned her head in the direction of said tugging and brushed her hood slightly from her face showing her the sunset. She smerked to herself and turned her body tward it. The wind wisped past making her coat and a few strands of loss hair flap in the breeze. Her smirk grew into a full fledged smile. She still had it. She took her hands out of her pockets and started walking twards the setting sun. Her speed increased until she broke in a run. As she neared a bench the black leather half tench she wore came off, she spread her wings and jumped. Using the edge of the bench as leverage she pushed off, with the rush of wind in her hair and the light sprinkling of rain on her face she started flapping her wings, there is no feeling greater then that of one who found what they had been searching for. There was nothing to worry about anymore they had found the last of there crew and now finally together the threat would end. With hopes of peace Poe flew. She and the others could finally dance again.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Angels"
by Rincewind

Angels
Rincewind; I'm not into fantansy, but the Title caught my eye. i would liked if you had wrote it a little longer. At the bottom of the story, top [3rd] line to the right, it should be their not there.

Blessings,


{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

oops! typo
fantasy not fantansy. see how we type so fast, and not realizing the typo's we make.

sorry

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

Ah, damn
Sorry, for me this is really painful. I really, really wanted to like this...in fact just before I read this I wrote a poem almost exactly like this, in every way I can feel the message you're trying to convey and how powerful the message behind it is.

But...

She smerked to herself and turned her body tward it.

Sorry. That killed it for me. Which is a shame, because even if this isn't Shakespearian, the quality of the writing really isn't all that bad.

"with the rush of wind in her hair and the light sprinkling of rain on her face", is pretty good, I think. It seems to convey a hint of power behind it, but this really could have used a second draft.


( Posted by: Saratin [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

Reply
ok, well i thought i might explain a few things, first yes you're right there should have been a second draw given that i had just wrote this on monday and not reread it it tweenty time and fixed it i can see what you mean, second, ya i never got the they're there their thing down, this actualy is just the introduction to a series of storyies i right, also the angel in question is not in fact an angel and i'm sorry to say but there is no real message im try to convey in real life but in the story the paragragh is invaluable, stay tuned Jennie there will probably be more thanks for the info, and if you could tell me how that line killed it for you Saratin i would be very interested to know

( Posted by: Rincewind [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

I love IT !!!!!
This is fantasy as it should be ...

Total freeplay of imagination with a generous dollop of attitude.....

Made me wish I had WINGS!!

I Love it !!!!!!!!!!.

( Posted by: RightingIt [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

Starting Out
I like the feeling it gives you when you read it. It shows passion for detail, evan if a few words and spelling could have been fixed.I just don't get exactly what "it" was that Poe still had. Hope it is explained in the future paragraphs. But over all I think it is a good start for someone who is starting to write.

( Posted by: MClark8383 [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

Hey, good work
you might not knkow what you convey with your words, sometimes it is beyond the scope of what you meant, but the mood you set is both mystical and uplifting. This shows great promise. I found it to be a little sparse, and in need of a bit of fleshing out, but then i tend to the long-winded isde, so don't listen to me. Really, whatever you ment to fit this into, this little bit almost stands on its own, it is intruiging, ut the mood it creates is both complex and complete. The best thing i could reccomend at this point is to run it through the spell check, and maybe have soemone else give it a once over for grammar.

( Posted by: nimue_the_mighty [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

Interesting...
but you'll probably know what follows. You really should fix the spelling and grammar mistakes, and lots of the sentences felt a bit choppy and incomplete to me. Lacking purpose and form, seems like. Plus while some of your descriptions are great, others that deserve more didn't get as much. (like her wings and flying) The ending also seemed pretty forced to me, but it is interesting, like I've said before, and it does have promised, if you would take the time to edit some more.

( Posted by: blackswan [Member] On: March 11, 2004 )

Poetic
I can picture it all and it's an incredible sight, honestly. Like posted above, its poetic and beautiful and I wish there was more.

Keep on writing.

( Posted by: b. schatz [Member] On: May 15, 2004 )





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