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Author's Note:
I just want to preface this by thanking Penelope, Bartleby, John, and ark. They all have been incredibly helpful in advising me how to clean up these poems of mine. This is what lit.org is all about and I only hope that I can return the favor to everyone else here. To everyone else, thanks for all of your comments on these pieces and others. They are invaluable...oh, and let me know what you think of my final products. =D



"Snow Game"
There was a silent crunch on the snow.
You were sneaking close.

There was a brisk taste of ambivalence
as you brushed the pavement
with tattered, worn down shoes.

On the horizons of our souls
I sensed a rushing drum beat.
And you peaked
and I watched
and we fell.

There was a towering inferno
built so high
(we watched it topple to the earth).
I saw you graze against the moon
I saw you run away from me.
You're too far to reach.
You're too far to see.

I knew it was the dance of heathens
in the truck,
in the car,
in the bed of romance
that we played across the floor.
Spread out to show the lengths of all our spirits
intertwined and mingled in the stillness.
You surprise me little fool.
You surprise us all.

There is a wicked game we play
with our souls.
Divvied up and divided to give correct control.
We were playing games again
just when someone shot us down.
Just when someone caught us in the act.
It's like a trap...
letting ourselves go.


"The Ceiling's Intimate Detail"
I see the ceiling in intimate detail.
The curves, the grooves,
the bumpy surface never fails to
intrigue me.

While you're on top of me,
passionate heaving.
My soul isn't breathing.
But you're wide awake.

I can tell you the awkward way
the moon slips in your window shades.
And why the shadows dance on your walls
just like Plato's famous cave.

But when I try to understand,
why you crawl along the wall
or why you slink along the floor.
Like Franz, so far from me and all I know.

My mind's as blank
as that ceiling,
and I find myself returning
to that wondrous pattern
I see repeated on the floor.


"Gulls"
The singers tell a fortune
elegant; like the loop of gulls.
Birds who taste the wind's rough pulse.
I stop to watch:
They flow along.

The basement air is clouded with
a felonious smell.
It's collaboration and
misplaced acclamation.
I can't help but flow along.

Gulls who brawl with lofty currents
drop from the sky,
exhausted.
I kiss and mend their broken wings:
Shattered from the fight.

As I watch
I learn from them,
I can't help but flow along.


------
"God grant me distraction."
-Zampano


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Comments

The following comments are for "Edited Poems (in all their glory!) =D"
by Darkshine Raven

yay, DS!

they look wonderful... really. i'm so pleased and proud of you. i can't believe you went with my "snow game" title! i'm honoured...

big kudos for all your hard work, girl. best of luck with the contest.

ark

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: February 29, 2004 )

thank you ark!
Thanks man...I really appreciate all your kind words. Hey...I have a question too...what was the name of the book you told me I should read? Something about Onxy, or something like that. I can't seem to find the post you mentioned it in but I wanted to read it. If you remember, you should let me know.

Take care! =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

DS

hi,

the book's called Oryx and Crake, by margaret atwood. her newest novel. i'm recommending it to everyone these days. be prepared for a dark, sad ride.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

excellence 'reloaded"
DS~

I must say the edits certainly shined all three of these pieces up nicely. That's the nice thing about Lit., there are so many wonderful people who are more than willing to help. I'm glad I could be of some small assistance with your efforts. Great job, and good luck. Keep us posted on your results.

With fingers crossed.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

DS/ Poems
DS; Excellente, keep it up and You will be in the book of MARQUIS WHO'S WHO IN AMERICA. I had the opportunity to send in my Bio to them. I was nominated by someone who sent in my name to them,to participate in it. But, I didn't make it. although, it was fun doing my bio.

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

darkshine raven
"you are a very talented young lady. I'm assuming that you are in college?" Nicely put.

( Posted by: pooky28 [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

pen, bart, claire, pokey, jeannie, ark
Thank you guys! It makes me smile that you all like my poems and have faith in me. I'm really excited about this contest but it's all up to the tastes of the judges now. I really feel like I've done the best I can possibily do here.

However, I want to emphasize that I couldn't have done it without you guys. Beyond these particular poems, this website has served to keep me writing even when I have lost faith in myself. I could never thank you all enough. =D Take care...

ps- yes pokey, I am in college. I'm nineteen and a freshman this year.

And Pen, yes all three are going in. I'm glad you liked my revision. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

thanks
compliments!! you are a really gifted writer! I'm happy to know you are only 19...I'm 16 and I was afraid I'd have met no other young people in this site.That's great,we are a WWWgeneration!!! (wonderful wise writers :-) ) I appreciated your comment on my first piece a lot and,,,could you give me some suggestions to improve it?I have to work on my vocabulary...I'm italian and I still have some language problems when it comes to find rhymes and assonances. I'd also like you to read and maybe comment the rest off my stuff if you don't mind...I'd be really really pleased!
best wishes
lanza

( Posted by: lanza13 [Member] On: March 7, 2004 )

excellent
all three pieces are first rate, Amanda - good luck on the contest -

john

( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: March 29, 2004 )





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