Who Will Buy?
by Penelope (Member) - published: March 1, 2004
Word Count: 289 Word Bytes: 2244 Viewed: 2703 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Penelope

8.41

(39 votes)

Rating	Rated by

9	amethyst

8	Bartleby

10	Beatrice Boyle

10	brickhouse

6	Capulet

9	chapter1

10	Clairesbest

10	Cybele

7	Darkshine Raven

8	Elphaba

10	EndlessFear

5	Enforced Bliss

9	evil_bacteria

6	Gordon

9	gsmonks

10	how do i live ..

10	Idomis

8	JEANNIE45

6	Jessicanm

10	johnb79

7	Judi1

10	kryar

9	LexiconDon

6	Man Eating ..

7	monkey chick

10	nikki

10	Nitz Kitty

9	northerain

10	Penelope

6	pooky28

8	rcallaci

7	Reba

7	simone183

10	Sneaky

7	Spudley

10	super kitty

8	tabita

10	The Alienist

7	the ..

You must login to vote

Author's Note:

Dedicated to johnb79 aka John Brewster to honour his sublime sense of fashion.

Skittering home, in the crawling rush,
they're crossing icy streets, in the city.
As a harbinger of spring’s blush,
shines a glowing sign taking pity.

In the shop window display,
there’s many a pair to be seen.
In colours from silvery grey
to a siren shade of sea green.

A reprieve from the quivers
the shoe merchant provides.
An escape from bleak shivers,
tedious transit rides.

As the winter refugees enter
they’re met... with eager smiles.
A cash register is... front and center
as footloose wares deck the aisles.

There are sandals and thongs,
so apropos... for the beach.
Sneakers... for jogging along
chasing blahs out of reach.

Spiked heels... of utter defiance,
which will pinch... the spinal cord.
Loafers... redeemed by reliance
of the fashionably bored.

Shimmering satin pumps
with jeweled buckles and bows.
They conjure up... sashaying rumps,
limbs in scandalous hose.

As the consumer gambols,
to the back of the store.
There’s a raft of preambles
to lift the chill from their core.

Jack boots... when they’re studied
shout out their stomping skills.
Shiny galoshes... yet to be muddied
in a wet weather battle of wills.

Vender: Please pardon the commuters,
as they casually browse... then pass by.
Their quest is to be transmuters,
transported to blissful from wry.

At a boxed in corner, a woman’s sagacious eye,
spies ruby slippers, on a ledge, way up high.
She beams and breaths a soft sigh.

She Will Buy.

PFA
29/02/04

Author's Note:

For clarification: Sneakers are also known as runners, trainers, athletic shoes etc.

Author's Note:

This poem has been edited with sincere thanks to Hazelfaern for her very helpful suggestions regarding adressing the punctuation problem (see below).

------
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Related Items

Surf & Turf

I.U.S.W.

More by Penelope »

Comments

The following comments are for "Who Will Buy?"
by Penelope

I will I will!
I totally bought into this one Pen, good job, no OUTSTANDING JOB! Way to rock out those Chimmy-Chus and Candies! This is right on my frequency, I LOVED IT! ROCK ON WIT YO BAD SELF!

( Posted by: johnb79 [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Sorry Pen
I just didn't like this at all. It seemed to me kind of like a very long walk to a place barely worth getting to.

This of course owes largely to the fact that our respective tastes and senses of humour differ significantly.

I wish that I could have said nicer things but this just left me cold.

Sorry Pen.

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Wow!
I loved this one!

( Posted by: super kitty [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Ruby Red
Penelope~

I think perhaps Bliss was correct, that in places this poem felt like it wasn't taking me anywhere. I really liked the jack boots and what you did with them, and the Ruby slippers were a deft and nice touch. I'm a sucker for that sort of fairy tale touch. But I still felt like I hadn't gone very far.

With that said I felt you did more with the subject matter than your opponent. So I found myself with no discernable advantage for either poem. So I did the only thing I could, I rated them the same. It's a tie, this time around.

Thanks again for playing.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

bug?
I don't know how Unknown can rate something, or how something can be rated 0, but that's either a bug or some vicious haxx0ring of the site. It needs to be fixed :)

( Posted by: evil_bacteria [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Unknown
I'm not sure how that happened either. Chris you out there, did you see this?

Anyway Pen, sorry I couldn't give the win to you. At times I felt we were going over the same material just a different stanza. I think you majored too much on how many different shoes there can be and last track of where you were going.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

shoes!
I found both poems in this write-off had their awkward moments where the rhyme or the rhythm didn't quite seem to fit, but the difference between them was that in this one I found that those problems detracted more from the overall poem than in your competitor's.

There seemed to be a lot of commas and things in the middle of lines where they didn't fit, and I found myself stumbling over them in several places.

The overall theme of the poem was pretty good though: An interesting idea; I get a feeling for the frustration of the shop assistants watching people coming in and not buying anything.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Its about shoes
Gave this the edge simply becuase it was ok
Not great but it was about the given subject more than the other one

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Hmmm meant a 7
Sorry just realised gave you both a 6

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

I'll buy a pair
On my first read I wasn't to impressed with this poem but after the third or forth read I came to enjoy it. I agree with Spudley about your over use of comma's they stop the flow of the piece. I underuse them you overuse them. You paint a nice normal picture of a cold winter day where people stop by and enter the shoe store to get warm.I like the sense of humor in the piece and the flow or beat to the piece is quite good onece you learn to navigate over those commas. I Liked Mr Bacteria's subject matter better but I gave you the overall edge yours was a little more tight.

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: March 1, 2004 )

Comma queen
How can I pick on you for all those commas when I know that I am the comma queen. That being said, your poem was much more coherent than your opponent's, with a comic tilt, and your variety of words and their usage is tough to beat. Good job.

( Posted by: amethyst [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

i wish i was over the rainbow
I liked were you got in this poem but the rest seems so material. The whole point of the ruby slippers is help someone find complete happiness. You spend so much of the poem decribing the shoes and not the reasons to be at the store in the first place. Why did she need the slippers rather than high-heels or a pair of sneakers. I do not mean to judge so harsh, but I have my own opion.
E.T.M.

( Posted by: demonspawn666 [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Footloose
In a definitive spur to read everything -- quickly, till the end -- I can only envy the moment (as most of us do when shopping) when your line finishes, "She Will Buy." You highlighted every word there, by capitalizing every letter. And that means something akin to pursuit of will and utter surrender in consumerism: impulse, taste, money-out-of-the-window-in-exchange-of-quality scenarios. I like the sundry description of footwears this poem has subjected to.

For a relatively lengthy poem, the lines are short (fast-paced) and too broad to grasp to enliven our senses.

The only thing which is disturbing for me is the word, "apprapo." I am sorry, but I do not know what it means. Is it a foreign word? Or maybe a variant of a common term, in effect, just to get away with easy utterance.

Fancy my curiousity.

( Posted by: Idomis [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

Satin Pumps /// Pen
This didn't grab me as much as your opponent's did. But nevertheless, I enjoyed the read

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 2, 2004 )

Power!
Scintillating use of powerful diction in your traditional rhyme scheme, making rhyme something to be appreciated again! The English Language is your bitch, like it's been no one's bitch since Ben Jonson and the gang were writing Petrarchian sonnets back in the golden days of the Tongue! My hat is off to you!

The simple ending has a bizarre, powerful simplicity that could only be the end of such an expressive, descriptive and rich piece.

( Posted by: the alienist [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

I Love Shoes
I think this was a good poem and an interesting idea but it never really took off for me. Well done though I couldn't do better!

( Posted by: Soph0124 [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

good
I like all the shoes and the warm feeling of the shoe store, but I think the other poem had more to say. I had trouble with some of the commas in this poem, but I still think its really good.

( Posted by: simone183 [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

I'm really lovin that piece
I was in the shoe business for many years and I thought this was great....brought back memories...thanks

( Posted by: Nitz Kitty [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

A Cash Register Is What?
There's an odd formality to this piece, Pen, that I've never noticed in your writing before.

As has been previously noted there was a lot of unusual comma placement. This especially hurt the flow of the poem where it came between a primary noun and a primary verb. There was also one inexplicable dangling fragment in the line "A cash register is; front and center" -- the easiest explanation would be that it's a typo. Still I couldn't help searching for extra meaning in the way it was written.

I seemed to enjoy this much more than a lot of other readers, nevertheless. Perhaps it's a simple ability to relate to another partaker in shopping therapy?

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 3, 2004 )

Who will buy
A great poem. While I read this I saw the glimmer in the eyes of my wife, when she browses through a shoe shop. I hate shopping, so its not a theme that should grasp me. but you have the knack to pull anything off I think :)

Full marks

( Posted by: Sneaky [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

prettyy
very very pretty! it reminded me of this anti-gift of the magi story i read once about a woman who bought a day of luxury rather than clothes for her children. i have no clue why, but it did.

( Posted by: agent-x [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

who will buy
loved this one a great deal. very evocative and understated. Passion and a gentelness that are clearly written by an inspired poet.

( Posted by: Union Man [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

window shoppers
Nice one, Pen, again- must agree with the comments about commas, but I liked the flow, the progression, the imagery, and especially the finale.

cybele

( Posted by: cybele [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

Brand New Shoes
Who will buy? To get all dressed up with nowhere to go....?

( Posted by: Judi1 [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

I'ma walkin'
Hmmm...I've been putting this off. I honestly didn't feel much coming from either of these pieces. For some reason I had a hard time even getting through the poem. Maybe it's because I can't relate...I personally have never been someone to shop unless it's unavoidable. ;)

I'm not going to count you off much for that though, because I have a feeling that it's mostly my personal taste. I will count you down for the stifled feel of the flow in this poem and the schizophrenic use of commas. However, I felt you were alot more creative than Bactine so I'm giving it to you.

This was an interesting write-off and a challenging subject, congrats for taking an interesting path with it. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

wow, this is close.
last week-wasn't there like a .01 difference? This one is way better, I hope it wins!

( Posted by: johnb79 [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

Simple Structure
Too complex a structure for the subject matter at hand which would have been better off with a simpler structure ....

Agree with enforced bliss and jessicanm that this is not the best way to deliver the subject matter at hand....

It left me cold too...

( Posted by: RightingIt [Member] On: March 4, 2004 )

well done my friend... again!
this tells the story of how some woman are when they go shopping for shoes... not me though, i'm in then out faster than you can say 'who will buy'.

this is really well thought out and i can see you have worked hard on it, if this is not the case then you are more the genius than i once thought.
some of the words, i didn't understand but i'm sure you know what you're doing.

( Posted by: man eating maniac [Member] On: March 5, 2004 )

shoes...
This was a very difficult selection because the pieces were both good, very different and evoked a completely different mood (in me, at least)...I am going with this one (in spite of commas) for two reasons...I think it stayed truer to itself throughout, ended stronger than it started...I love the ruby slippers, and I think it is complex on several levels which is evident after it is read subsequent times. Great job, Pen...Im sorry it took me so long to comment but I'm still a little sick..ugh!

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: March 5, 2004 )

We're not in Kansas any more, Toto
I wish certain people knew the difference between commenting and voicing their personal view and likes and dislikes.

And the girl with the ruby slippers says . . .

"There's no place like home . . . there's no place like home . . . there's no place like home . . ."

( Posted by: gsmonks [Member] On: March 5, 2004 )

ruby slippers
Oh boy what a life! as always your writing is great I dont see how you can write about every subject so easily

( Posted by: CoCo [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

Hard to relate
I liked this one but I guess I just cant relate with shoes like that. Sorry, don't think that im biased or anything but that's just my take on it.

( Posted by: LexiconDon [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

a bill of goods
I veered from my usual practice during the write off of responding as comments were registered due to observations I’d made of other contestants. There was also a comment about an unwritten rule which made me wonder how come no one had told me up till now. I found the change exasperating and interesting too.

The plethora (even for me) of punctuation is to convey browsing and how people pause to look at items. It didn’t work and it’s something that was an experiment and intentional. I accept that and believe a write off is an occasion to stretch writing skills. My past entries also demonstrate I’m willing to take a chance during these events. When you’re in the spotlight, it’s even more important is to give the readers something to think about.

The poem has three messages which may be gleaned by readers.
1 - An escape from a chilly rush hour into a shoe store to get warm and wait for easier commuting.
2 - A consumer ideal of finding happiness through purchasing of perceived reprieves from the reality of the rat race. The shoes of siren sea green and the ruby slippers both suggested that escapism. The contentment is fleeting but at least it’s a good feeling until the bills come in.
3 - Money can buy happiness.

As a sidebar, I don’t like shopping. I don’t have to like something to be able to reflect upon those who do and identify with them. I’ve known both men and women who adore shopping. My father is one of those men. My mother was not one of those women.

To have from 4 pm Saturday (my time) until midnight Sunday central time is a time constraint which only past write off participants can appreciate. I’ve never had a problem with deadlines and react well to stress.

This poem is dedicated to johnb79 (John Brewster) who was posting discussions about shoes with me a few weeks ago. When I received this topic, I immediately recalled he and I being chastised by my podium partner for being off topic. While EvilB does not believe in fate, I do. I will be removing the poem from circulation temporarily after it’s removed from the front page to do a proper dedication at the bottom of the poem.

I would like to thank EvilB for his gallantry and good humour during this write off. I am sure he was good humoured because it’s clear he’s a gentleman of high quality.

I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting on this poem. There were more than a few who registered comments that gave me profound pleasure. There was one who I don’t give a damn about what he thinks. Personal taste is what presents readers with choices of preference.

I’ve always voted for myself and the other person during a write off and that practice won’t change. I’m giving myself a ten because I knew what I meant and I love my poem. If a person doesn’t believe in themselves, no one else will.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

an absolute pleasure
This has been tons of fun. I've been winning and losing at various times all week, but it's always been very, very close. I think that says a lot about not only our talents but also about the fact that the lit.org community can equally appreciate very different styles.

You say the weakest part of my entry was the end; in your case, it's just the opposite. The piece was fantastic ("sashaying rumps" STILL gets me) and you did a lot more with the topic than I did. The only problem I had with it was that there were a few stanzas that didn't flow right, but they were minor flow problems and did not subtract from the piece. I am humbled to have competed against you, and flattered that our pieces have been rated so closely.

When I found out we were competing, on the one hand I was glad, because you're so much fun on the site and you'd be capable of testing my talents...on the other hand, I was pretty sure I'd get stomped on :)

It's been a pleasure.

( Posted by: evil_bacteria [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

Shoes, Pen
Pen, I was intrigued to learn of your reasons for the unusual punctuation. I think your experiment would have worked out if the piece had been shorter, thus making the stylized nature of the unusual punctuation more appearant.

I think this piece works out well without the unusual punctuation, though. Kudos on good work.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

Hazelfaern
I knew you were waiting for me to reply about punctuation! It was one of the reasons I wanted to comment before I did. I held true to my original intentions. I would like to adjust the punctuation but still want to convey the browsing. Do you think hypens or a multiple periods might work?

Like
they're met - with eager smiles.
A cash register is - front and center.
or
they're met...with eager smiles.
A cash register is....front and center.
I'd love to hear your feedback on this.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

Shopping, Eyes Glazed
Actually, I think that regarding the stanza you're referrig to the unusual punctuation is a little out of place.

See, I've done my share of tired shopping. I used to do my grocery shopping every night after work, when I worked next door to a supermarket. It wasn't unusual for me to look down at my choices in the check-out aisle and suddenly realize they were all packaged in the same color family of red/orange or blue/green.

So I think I know exactly where you're going with the line breaks. It's just that I don't know if a tired/frazzled shopper would really find that much of a disconnect in seeing that the greeters have smiling faces or the cash register is front and center.

Actually, I think it might be interesting to see how a stanza describing the shoppers mental disconnect might work here. The stanzas above this one have an almost narrational quality with no line breaks, which I think is what partially led to the confusion of why the breaks are there, in the first place.

Then you have the two stanzas where the breaks make sense, as the shoppers survey the merchandise. I like the idea of ... here, as they seem to convey a better sense of slow transition than a hyphen would (which is dashing, no?) So

There are sandals... and thongs
So appropos... for the beach
Sneakers... for jogging along
Chasing blahs out of reach

Spiked heels... of utter defiance
Which will pinch... the spinal cord
Loafers... redeemed by reliance
Of the fashionably bored

Then the next stanza describes the shoppers gamboling -- has the shopping therapy taken effect? I notice there are no more line breaks from here on out. So maybe, if there were that new stanza after the one which contains "cash register is", the simple presence of the word gambol would be a more significant signal of transition and the lapse of line breaks would make ready sense.

Anyway, just a few thoughts. Do with them what you will. ;)

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

monetary
I seem to always notice the cash register and merchants when I enter a store. The impact of knowing everything costs something does have an impact on me. While the smiles can be welcoming, there's a sentiment of livelihood attached. It's why I chose to begin with the odd punctuation where I did. Although I used a few more commas up till then to convey the rush hour stop and go too.
I like the visual of the periods over the hyphens. I think I will go with them.
Thanks for your input. :-)

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

Nice Poem
Pen,

I enjoyed reading your poem. What struck me was the amount of material that you included and all about shoes. The rhyme was well done. Though I am more a free verse kind of poet, I do enjoying reading other forms, and I thought you did quite well with this subject.

santiago

*The above statement was in no way forced, coerced, or bought. The author's statements and votes is the sole opinion of said author.

( Posted by: kryar [Member] On: March 7, 2004 )

Lost me
I couldn't get into the cadence of this one. It seemed a little jerky in places. The theme redeems somewhat, since it does twang some universal cords.

( Posted by: Capulet [Member] On: March 9, 2004 )

Touched by an ANGEL Writer
AWW, Pen you are so sweet. I saw the dedication.....I do have a fierce sense of fashion don't I? I really feel so honored that a writer with your talent would dedicate such a good poem to me. For that, I call you my dear friend. THANKS A MILLION!

The changes you made were dead on, it is now PERFECT! GOOD JOB PEN! Now all I have to do is use you as a muse and return the favor! Lots-o'-love coming at you Miss Vancouver, Lots-o'-love.

CHOW 4 NOW
SMOOCHES AND CUDDLES:-)

( Posted by: johnb79 [Member] On: March 10, 2004 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Login:
Password:

Related Sites:

Web Advertising
*Mobile Phone
*Myspace Layouts
*Keeping Aquarium Fish
*MPAA