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Author's Note:
I'm trying to clean this up for a poetry competition, so any comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated! =D


The singers tell of fortune,
elegent like the loop of gulls.
bobbing on the breeze,
I stop to watch.
They flow along.

The basement air is clouded with
a felonious smell
it's collaboration and
misplaced acclaimation.
I can't help but flow along.

Gulls who brawl with lofty currents
drop from the sky,
exhausted.
I kiss and mend their broken wings.
Shattered from the fight.

I watch them,
and I learn from them,
I can't help but flow along.


------
"God grant me distraction."
-Zampano


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Comments

The following comments are for "The Gulls (uh...Reloaded?)"
by Darkshine Raven

ebb and flo
hey sweetie, just a suggestion:

- maybe add/change some punctuation in the first three stanza's. I wouldn't presume to know anything beyond that sort of correctness. I am sure you have more experience than I in matters of writing. I strayed from the fold for a few years:-)

All the world ebbs and flows and I like the way that you made it very spiritual and uplifting. I think nature is my first love above all else on this planet. I grew up in the mountains of Va. and always loved nature and it has carried over to my adulthood although dirty city living limits the appreciation as wee-bit.

Enough about me.....ebbing and flowing, -hard to capture in a graceful way, and you did. BRAVO!

( Posted by: johnb79 [Member] On: February 25, 2004 )

Pen/John, how about this?
The singers tell a fortune,
elegant like the flight of gulls.
As they frolic on the breeze,
I stop to watch.
They flow along.

The basement air is clouded with
a felonious smell.
It's collaboration and
misplaced acclaimation.
I can't help but flow along.

Gulls who brawl with lofty currents
drop from the sky,
exhausted.
I kiss and mend their broken wings.
Shattered from the fight.

As I watch
I learn from them,
I can't help but flow along.

I didn't have felonious in there before, it was an addition. =D I think I like this way alot, but I don't know that the first stanza feels right. What do you think?

Thanks again for all your help...it really means alot to me. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 26, 2004 )

punctuation
I like your punctuation Pen. And I think I agree with keeping "loop". Looking over this again...it's more descriptive. For frolicking I want something that describes them just going along...flowing along, like me. Not nessescarily enjoying the breeze or fighting it. Can you think of a good one?

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 26, 2004 )

Pen (dancing?)
Hey...that word was "moshing". Heh, hardly fits I think.

In any case, I rewrote the whole line. Check out the final poems (from here) that I plan to submit to the contest.

Oh...and thank you, thank you. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 29, 2004 )

ps
They're posted in the "blog" section. I guess I figured you'd magically find them! ;)

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 29, 2004 )





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