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In sunshine cawed the raven black
that brooked no looking after--

And the sun, whose day was done
slid down behind the pasture--

And while it fell, did such a knell,
ring loud and long to dafter

And by twilight, there lay a sight
that cried an evil laughter.

Did many a corpse lay cold and dead
there in yonder pasture

For they, as one, their days undone
would see no morrow thereafter.

By moonlight cawed the raven black
for it was now the raptor

And took it's flight, through day and night
to teach another captor.

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The following comments are for "cawed the raven black"
by modern_day_holocaust

Striving after
This is a very clever work, and I like the way you've maintained your theme despite delving into such strenuous word play. However, the writing appears to break in the attempt -- dafter? is not a noun in my dictionary, or even, technically, a proper word, though it makes for an apt shortening of more daft. I dislike the fact that you've used pasture twice, and even more so the shoehorning of syllables into "morrow thereafter".

Such an interesting attempt deserves a little more work.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 25, 2004 )

Oh, I love poems that involve my dear friends the ravens. Although, they seem so scary in this piece! ;)

Seriously, I really liked this poem but I agree with hazel. There's a few places you could tighten it up. Maybe try to cut out the stanzas you can't make more snappy. The rhyme with "thereafter" seemed to make the line a bit weighty, for example.

Anyways, take care and let me know if you decide to plunge into a rewrite! =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 26, 2004 )

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