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summer in America
the land of milk and
honey not tonight
I have a headache
and I hate you
and I can't put it into words
but one small push
like kids on a swing
thinking that they could touch
the sky and I
might kill you
for making me forget
what love is
or is supposed to be
or that I even want it

I'm very ape and very nice

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The following comments are for "that legendary divorce"
by Joe Quinn

thanks for this!
excellently done, joe. tight and smart; i like the wordplay element you brought in. wasn't sure about your use of the word "swinging". maybe, maybe not. could be cut to swing, but i see what you're trying to do. might help if swinging and thinking were on the same line.

i'd cut the last line, too. if you want that idea elsewhere in the poem, you could incorporate it in more smoothly... i'd recommend against tacking it on at the end.

good work, says ark

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: February 24, 2004 )

an error
to anyone else that reads this it's supposed to be "like kids on a swing" I just messed up and uh.....don't know how to edit:D my bad

( Posted by: Joe Quinn [Member] On: February 24, 2004 )

i like it
I can feel palpable anger from the fifth line onwards - and I think it is an anger many people can identify with. And that is what draws me to the emotions in this poem.
Good work, Joe! :)

( Posted by: blightedstar [Member] On: February 24, 2004 )

joe quinnnn
hey, just discovered this myself: if you click on "log in", then "manage writings", you can edit your already-published stuff. whew!

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: March 1, 2004 )

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