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6Penelope

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my open right hand,
my barren white palm,
through the thin skin,
there begins to emerge,
an eloquent red rose.
unbound by their gaze,
driving skyward,
away from the lines
of fate,
a red rose protruding.

------
dreamy


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Comments

The following comments are for "Art"
by dreamy

something missing?

i think you started something with promise here, but somehow as the reader i felt a little let down... like the idea you were going for wasn't quite followed through on, or something. i felt lost in the reading of it. there wasn't quite enough to hold onto.

also: "begins to emerge" seemed a bit clunky to me.

i'd like to see a more expansive re-write.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: February 23, 2004 )

Half a poem
Well, I guess I liked the way this poem was told and the way the rose coming out of your palm was described (the obvious exception being "begins to emerge"- is there something wrong with the word "emerges"?), but...

Why was the rose coming out of your palm? I don't see how this all fits together, unless you're just writing this to give us a snapshot. That's fine, but it just doesn't do it for me.

( Posted by: Saratin [Member] On: February 23, 2004 )





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