truth be told i was beleaguered. i was beleaguered right under the sun by eyes. eyes that stared right through me leaving a trail of lingering dread. i saw the bridled angst which seemed almost tangible with the company of his malefic tone that sliced through the air across the table and breaths that were stifled into silence which seemed almost interminable, caught me by stealth thereafter. -the anticipated hope that turned into my incapicitation.
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more than i assumed of what it would've turned out to be, the confrontation besieged my mind the way i saw knives in his eyes that obliterated my sentience /of what elusive love and hatred entwined together to become. i felt like i was responsible, yet in truth i wasn't, but because of the invisible strains that were pushing in from all directions, because of his straight biting searching stare that made me feel as if my defence mechanism turned into paralysis. would unreciprocated love be so tormenting that it gradually morphs the mind into such a twisted state you want to say "i love you so much i want you to hurt now for what you put me through" is that really love? no it's an illusion an illusion that leaves you with a warped sense of perception that even the ghouls residing within can't unravel. while the world watches you transform into a savage without you even being aware of that evil metamorphosis, you claw without even knowing you leave your friends mangled. only Daddy knows what he's going through, i don't have to, i'm not responsible. the best i can do is to leave it to Daddy. Daddy will find him.
at times it isn't due to the proliferation of events that's happening in your daily walk, it could be the severity of perhaps just a single matter that's weighing and bogging one down, so much. feelings opposing your beliefs may seize you and harrass your mind, wringing their claws around you, but don't give in to them, don't give in.
emotional incision. feelings of helplessness, of incapability. and at times you think it's an issue that He's incapable of helping. sounds absurd but our human insecurity lapses into uncertainty about every single thing or person and your faith wavers. your faith isn't actually wavering. because you fear that your faith will, it really isn't. because you value the faith you've placed your entire life of trust in you're afraid that it would be stolen and ensnared by something else so foreign yet so utterly close to the skin of your face, one shift and the abrasions pattern. and then blots form, both on the outside and within. blots that leave you raw you spit and curse with no one hearing you.
human nature is so warped when left forsaken when left to dilapidate. his careless laughter four years ago that i still faintly remember, has turned into a twisted smile, and a twisted twisted mind. and perhaps left that way for good. or bad. i don't know. and i won't care. i won't allow someone to affect me like this. he won't replace the peace that Jesus has rooted in me. no way.
i'll just run to Him, to His words of truth.