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7hazelfaern

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walking through the wet rain
foggy, ice cold, and bitter
rain drops hit my rosy cheeks
and roll down and hits
the ground with a drip
My hair soaked and wet and tangly
My clothes damp and sticks to my
slick body
The dark clouds slowly drifting off
to soak another tattered soul


------
angelia


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Comments

The following comments are for "rain"
by punker chick

Wet clothes and sticks
This poem was going well until the last two lines, which struck me as an easy cop-out to a good beginning.

Also, within such a short series of lines grammatical errors really stand out. You'll want to watch your pluraization (ie, rain drops hit rather than hits and wet clothes stick or are sticking rather than sticks)

I really wish you'd gone further with this.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )

re:
hey I think your advice is great it helps alot!! I am going to work on this poem a little once i figure out how to do that on this sight!!

( Posted by: punker chick [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )

re-work
Actually, re-working a published piece is very easy. Simply hit the unpublish logo (it looks like a recycle symbol) next to the title of your poem in the control panel. It will show you the poem. Hit unpublish at the top of the screen. Then edit your text. Click on the submit button as you did when you first submitted your poem. Voila! It's now in the review process, and should be available on this site, again, within 12 hrs or less (in my experience) While it is in the review cycle the title will still be visible on the site, only any attempted viewing will bring up an error message.

Hope this helps and good luck.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )





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