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6Saratin

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Akari went to a fortune teller before Valentine's Day to take a sneak peak of the future, but the future seemed to good to be true.....

Akari peeked her head inside the ruby red circus tent. It was dimly lit by a single wax candle. She saw a middle aged woman dressed in a red gown with a shawl and bandana. Her eyes fixed upon the crystal ball. They looked old and wise, filled with purple. She pulled herself into a regular sitting position and shook her head. "This just can't be!" she hollered, and slammed her fist onto the table. She turned to the tent opening, and saw her. "Come in dearie, let me tell your fortune," said in a calm, exotic voice.

"I want to know about my future Valentine's Day," Akari said.

"Well, come on, come on. You need you to sit first!" she said. Akari sat with haste and cupped her hands together. "You'll find your one true love, marry him someday, and soon have a happy family!" she said with glee.

"REALLY? Oh! WOW!" Akari yelled and jumped up and down inside the tent.

"BUT! You must wear this," she said. She headed for a shelf and took out and old box. She rubbed off the dust with her shawl and blew lightly against the top. "Make sure he sees you with it, or else our future with meet its downfall!" she cried and gave her the box.

"You can tell it's him, when he talks to you. He'll say three simple words, 'I love you'."

Akari thanked the old woman and gave her a large sum of yen. She left for home, jumping with joy. She put on her new necklace. It had sparking sapphries, emeralds, and diamonds, but nothing could match the centerpiece. In the center was a large ruby shaped like a heart. She finally reached home to find no one there. She put her new necklace into the drawer and went to sleep.

The next day..........

Akari woke up and placed on her necklace. She dressed her best and headed for Sakura High, her high school. When she stepped into the school yard, everyone gasped. A crowd of boys ran up to her and kneeled. "Please!" one shouted.

"Be mine!" said another.

"You should get the best, and the best is me!" hollered a third.

"Boys, boys, please! I need to get to class!" she said, and with that, the bell rung.

The whole day, boys around school chased her. Yet, not one seemed to say, "I love you." Finally, at the end of school, she made it to the school bus alone. "Phew! I am quite dissapointed though," she said, sorrowfully. She began to cry.

"Why are you crying?" says a mysterious voice.

"I didn't find my true love!" she replied. He gently touched her face and said, "I love you."

With that, she replied, "Me too."

THE END

------
A picture may be a thousand words, but what about a movie?


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Comments

The following comments are for "Three Simple Words"
by NekoKami52

This is okay, I guess
To get straight to the point, this story is silly and insubstantial. The dialogue also seems clunky ("she said sorrowfully"- please, never do that) and has a few problems.

I do like the uniqueness in the approach to this story, though. It's always very refreshing to have an original approach to the romance genre, and there's not a reader out there who doesn't. It's nice to hear the words "I love you" and not come out of a hacknyed character in a hacknyed story.

(PS)-Why do people post comments but not vote? Maybe having the ratings next to names is a bad idea.

( Posted by: Saratin [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )

polish
I wouldn't say this was trite nessicarily, esxpeically because I really enjoyed the way you decided to wrap it up. Some more attention could have been paid to characterization. I thought overall this was a humorus piece of flash that could be wonderful with a little shining up. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )

Needs improvement
I agree with both Saratin and DR and will put my own comments here.

Personally, I don't find the story very believable. There are few things as pathetic as a well-rounded woman like Akari going to a fortune teller to see if she's going to find love on Valentine's Day. Most women would rely on their own personal instincts and what they expect on a date for a successful V-Day. Maybe if Akari suspected infidelity. But that's just my opinion, don't take my word for it.

Also, I was quite confused by this paragraph, if I may quote:

Quote:
Akari peeked her head inside the ruby red circus tent. It was dimly lit by a single wax candle. She saw a middle aged woman dressed in a red gown with a shawl and bandana. Her eyes fixed upon the crystal ball. They looked old and wise, filled with purple. She pulled herself into a regular sitting position and shook her head. "This just can't be!" she hollered, and slammed her fist onto the table. She turned to the tent opening, and saw her. "Come in dearie, let me tell your fortune," said in a calm, exotic voice.


At first, I didn't get Akari slamming his fist on the table, until I realised that it was the table containing the crystal ball. What really had me confused was the last part of the paragraph. Is the fortune teller telling Akari to come back? You might have to use Character's names here, rather than just using "she" and "her." Perhaps it would help if you broke this up into three paragraphs, at least. Finally, I suspect the boldface to be a cliche, and the rules for this is that they must be used in quotes.

Speaking of which, I detected another cliche in the first paragraph - "too good to be true" - which did not need to be italicised. The boldface, italics, capitalised words and ending note were all completely unnecessary, in my opinion. The writing and styling is all very choppy to say the least.

The quote: "You can tell it's him, when he talks to you. He'll say three simple words, 'I love you'." left me inwardly screaming, "Of course, that's what he's going to do and say. What do you expect is going to happen?" It's very annoying for someone like a psychic to tell a fortune, if she's going to reveal common stuff like this. Millions of young men tell their girlfriends, "I love you" almost every single day. Why not have the medium say that she will get the kiss of true love. That may work better.

Finally, try using present tense in this piece. I see a smooth flow with no obvious time passage gaps, and nothing much is revealed in setting.

Nice try, but it still needs work.

( Posted by: davewriter [Member] On: February 21, 2004 )





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