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Uninvited Visitors
By :
Noor Ashikin Binti Abd Nasir
17 / 02 / 2004

It was a dark and chilly night. The rain was pouring cats and dogs outside. Still, Sheila was sitting in front of her computer, hooked up on the Internet. She was just killing her time browsing through the net. Suddenly, she giggled. She was reading an article about how to impress your dates on Valentine’s Day, which really amused her.

”Silly!”, she said in a low voice with a smile.

She continued browsing the Internet, clicking on every topic she found interesting. Her eyes were reading the topics from up to bottom, one by one. Simultaneously, her mouth mumbled, reading those beautifully decorated texts.
“Hmm…how to deal with your naughty little brother, how to deal with your grumpy grandparents, how to deal with an uninvited visitor in the middle of the night when you are alone…”she stopped after reading the last sentence and her eyes widened. She threw her eyes off the computer, to her bedroom window and door. She was a bit relieved, as everything was okay.
This last sentence got her to her nerves. She felt chill down her spine. Her eyes were sparkled with fright. Yes, coincidentally, she was alone that night after the fight she had with her parents on not going to Aunty Suzy’s house. She insisted not to go because she was not fond of her nieces there. They always make fun of her .She rather stayed at home on a creepy night alone, rather than meeting her mischievous sprite nieces. That was exactly the same sentencing that she used which upset her parents and as her punishment of her rude words, she was left unaccompanied.
She clicked on the topic and started reading the first sentence when she heard knocks on the front door. Her eyes went big. Instantly, she felt very scared and just staring at her bedroom door, frozen. Her heart beat even much faster when the knocking on the door seemed to grow louder and louder, continuously. She glanced at the wall clock. It was 11.45 pm , nearly midnight.
“We will only be back tomorrow morning”, her mum’s voice before she left earlier flashed into her head. Who will that be, knocking on my door in the middle of the night, she wondered.
“Argh, it must be Mrs. Philips. Mum must have told her to check on me.”, Sheila abruptly assumed to brush away all the eerie thought she had in her mind in order to calm herself down. Deep inside, she deadly hoped her reckoning was true. She then got up and walked towards the bedroom door. She wanted to answer the knocking. While she was opening the door, the electricity went off all of a sudden. Instantaneously, her face turned white. She got the shock of her life. She was frightened even more when lighting struck outside despite the heavy rain, adding to the bloodcurdling atmosphere. Her eyes felt hot. She nearly cried.
She took a deep breath and continued sneaking in the dark. Climbing down the stairs, she made her way carefully as she could not see a thing. Bolt of lighting continued to strike, mixing the noise with the heavy rain and the loud tapping on the front door. Sheila’s body began to shake.
“Ok, nice. Now I’m really frightened”, she sighed. She was standing not far from the front door right now.
“Who’s there?!”, she yelled. She wrapped her arm onto her body and she just stood there, staring at the door. There was no answer and surprisingly, the knocks also stopped. Her mouth trembled, her hand shaking. With a little courage left, she moved towards the door. Her hand was about to reach the handle of the door when unpredictably, the knocking continues. She pulled her hand hastily and moved backwards.
“Who’s there?! Please, don’t play with me anymore. Just tell me who you are and what you want.”, Sheila yelled again and moved back towards door.
Without thinking, she opened the door. She was pale again as there was no one at the door. She stepped outside, peering to the left and right, searching for a soul to clear her doubt. She saw no one and went back inside. Her heart beat fast and sweat began to roll down her face. She was leaning towards the door when she saw a figure passing by the window out of blue.
She panicked and tears rolling down her cheeks. Shocked, she ran away from the door when she heard the knocking continued. She sat down with her head down between her legs. She hold her legs tightly and shaking rapidly. She then screamed her heart out. The sound of the door opening made her silent again, as Sheila did not heard any footsteps. Her heart beat rapidly. Thus, she screamed again.
“Sheila! Sheila! What happened to you?”, suddenly a familiar voice was heard. She slowly held her head up. Her face was all red of frighten and wet with tears. It was Uncle Donald. She got up and hugged him. She continued to cry.
“Where’s your nieces?”, Uncle Donald then asked. Sheila stopped crying and looked into her uncle eyes. She was puzzled. Her eyes were asking for more words.
“Your mum told me to fetch you because they won’t be coming back tomorrow as we has just planned to go for a family vacation. I came here with your nieces. I told them to call you and I waited in the car. I was allergic to rain drops, you know. But then, they took ages to call you so I decided to take a look myself. Thank god I found this umbrella on the backseats of your parents car.”, he explained with a mixture of guilty and pity toward Sheila. Sheila wiped the tears from her cheek. Now, her fright was turned to anger.
“They must have play on you again. I shouldn’t ask them to call you. I am sorry.” , he continues while wiping the tears off Sheila’s cheek.
By the window, two figures were there. The sound of giggling and chuckling was heard.

( 1,011 words )

©Noor Ashikin

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The following comments are for "Uninvited Visitors"
by teen_soulz

Ok, first off, I didn't like the "cats and dogs" description at the beginning. That is an overused phrase, very common, not too creative. Try and be more creative and descriptive at the beginning of your story.
The part about the bolt of lightning in the background I thought was a little cheesy. I can see you were trying to set the atmosphere, which is good, but don't tell the reader that you're trying to set a "bloodcurdling atmosphere." Just do it.
Only other problem I had was when you said the knock was unpredictable. I'll decide if it was unpredictable or not.
Interesting story overall. The tone was well set and the twist was good.

( Posted by: Safari Invasion [Member] On: February 18, 2004 )

I agree with S.I.
Far too many cliches in this one. Your opening line is reminiscent of the whole "It was a dark and stormy night" bit that's been copied time and time again. I didn't care much for the colloquial "cats and dogs" part, either. Still, it has a fairly good twist, though your writing could be tightened up a tad. Look forward to seeing some more of your work.

- SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: February 18, 2004 )

Thanxs for you comment..
Thank u for your comment. I am still learning how to write a good descriptive story and I still not very good in choosing teh correct words/phrases.I'll write again and try to avoid the same mistakes. :) I apprecite your comments.

( Posted by: teen_soulz [Member] On: February 18, 2004 )

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