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5.66

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7hazelfaern
6Penelope
4Saratin

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As I close my eyes
It is you that I see
It is you that I dream of
It is you that I love
If only you could know
Know how much you affect me
How much I need you
How I long to be with you
When will the day come
When you'll wipe away my tears
When you'll be there to comfort me
Comfort me when I feel like life is too much
Tears sting my face at night
The thoughts of maybe never being with you
Makes my heart weep
But when I see your face
Or when I see your smile
I know
I know that there is nothing to worry about
There is nothing to be afraid of
No words could explain to you how I feel
No words could express how I feel
Until the day comes when we'll be together
Just know, I will love no other


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Comments

The following comments are for "No Other"
by disOrder

treacherous topic
I heartily agree with Penelope -- the topic of love within poetry is such a cliche, it is best to approach it only when you feel you have something really strong or new to present in your work.

The use of repetition is another bit of tricky terrain, and for the sake of your readers patience, should be used very sparingly and only when intended to stress an important concept. It is true that repetition can create a lyrical sense within a poem, and you almost achieve this here. However, as they say, "close but no cigar" -- I have a feeling you will only achieve your intended effect with the reader for whom this poem was written.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 17, 2004 )

Do some research
This sort of poetry can be traced back to not reading enough. It's very easy to dabble in romantic poetry, and many people do, but I know that's the cause of some slight backlash here. If you read widely, you get a better and more creative feel for the genre. Then you avoid the use of embarassing cliches such as:

"Makes my heart weep" or
"It is you that I dream of"

There are a thousand different ways to say "It is you that I dream of" without actually saying it. SHOW, never TELL.



( Posted by: Saratin [Member] On: February 17, 2004 )

Thanks
Thanks for all of the comments...I admit this is one of my worst pieces. If you have never read any of my other poems you might know, I do write a lot of depressing things so I decided to write something different. Guess it didn't turn out so great! I will stick to what I know best. No more of these stupid love poems, it is a subject that is written about way too often. Thanks again for your comments. By the way Penelope my avatar is suppose to represent sorrow, I had to change the size of it to make it an avatar and in the process it got deformed. :)

( Posted by: disOrder [Member] On: February 17, 2004 )

Don't Say That!
It's not necessary to bannish your pen from the arena of love poems, altogether. Just keep in mind that difficult terrain requires harder work and more effort. This really wasn't that bad of a submission, either. In fact under writer's forums there's a whole category (now defunct) of horrendous poems. I don't have anything listed there, not because I'm a genius writer who never makes mistakes (I've written poetry that was so bad it could be used as a form of euthenasia) but because I only found it after they'd sealed the thing up. My point is -- don't beat yourself up over one lousy poem. All writers make mistakes (thus all pencils have erasers) I actually find you quite brave for submitting a work you thought wasn't quite your best. I'll be looking out for more of your entries in the future. :)

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 17, 2004 )





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