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with eyes hollowed by leper,
a body swollen,cold...
lying drowned on no memory's shore;
at least, she tried to be free

dirt-water flesh, so solid
and a bleached, non-corrosive world...
like the corpse, giant, of a squid of the sea
lying timeless in no mystery's land
she's now forever bound to matter

------
Stille


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The following comments are for "nuclear winter"
by Dew Of Blood

Didn't ring any bells
I found some awkward bits here and there, which made it difficult to appreciate this poem. The first line for instance "Eyes hollowed by leper" -- what did you mean by this? I had an odd image of a mean, viscious leper poking out a dying girls eyes.... doesn't exactly seem to tie in with the theme of a nuclear winter. Also the fourth line "At least she tried to be free" is the girl a suicide? The seventh line "Like the corpse, giant, of a squid of the sea" seemed irreconcilable. Are you referring to bombed-out cities here, or the girls corpse?
The following line "Lying timeless in no mysteries land" also left me shaking my head -- didn't ring any bells and seemed disconnected.

There seems to be so much promise in these lines. I'd be interested in hearing your intent.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 18, 2004 )

I'm only human
I do make mistakes. Giving this piece such a strong title is probably one. My poem's more of a moodpiece, trying to express the feelings the girl has after an inside war she had lost, when, after the torment, all feelings dissapear, leaving her nothing more than flesh, but flesh that can sense the failure. Every day seems the same, so time appears to have stopped;life loses all its questions as she passes through it enclosed in herself and dead to the world. And, about the first line...you're right. I meand leprosy. I'm not a native english speaker and "leper" looks alot like the word my mother tongue has for "leprosy". That, and a moment of not paying wnough attention got me tricked while translating. Thanks for the comment, I would never have realised y mistakes without it.

( Posted by: Dew Of Blood [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )

What's Bound to Matter
I hope I didn't go too far astray in my comments, that you missed my central point -- though confused by a lot of the imagery in this piece, I felt it showed immense promise, especially in mood and tone

Actually, for a non-native speaker this is a fairly strong piece. I think it could be strengthened by moving the reference to nuclear war into the body of the poem, and beginning with a clear description of the corpse. I'm still a little intrigued by your reference to the squid -- is this a reference to her bloated condition? Perhaps you could phrase it as a simile rather than a metaphor?

I loved the double entendre at the end "she's now forever bound to matter". Though it seemed an odd choice on one end -- wouldn't the girl finally be free of a material world? -- but then the secondary meaning made sense, that in death her life achieved a kind of significance.

I'm not commenting to pick; it's just that I see such promise in this poem.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 19, 2004 )





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