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4False Dawn

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the pools of red upon the ground
the roar of the people so afraid
the parts of human flesh and bone
on the ground where they are laid
the planes scream through the air
the vehicles speed across the land
the rockets rush through the sky
the bullets hit with such force
and the victims lay down to die
the buildings which stood for us to see
lie in crumbles on the soil
the animals we tend, the food that we sowed
our own plans and dreams are foiled
we place our trust and all our hopes
in building our lives upon our lands
but in a moments breath, the blink of the eye
it can slip right through your hands
the cries of peace, the love of man
the help from a gentle hand
we have to look at what we've done before
then bring war never again upon man

------
Frankie J. Dubs


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The following comments are for "War never again"
by F. J. DUBS

war
Having lived through war I thought that I might express what I in my soul feel about what I saw and how it has affected my views

( Posted by: f. j. dubs [Member] On: February 13, 2004 )

Lack of impact
I am a confessed war poem addict (lol, well not quite) and I have written a few pieces on war before, even though I haven't lived through one like you. However, not taking anything away from your experience, I feel that this poem just didn't grab me. There's no punchy words, nothing new, nothing extraordinary or gruesome or heartfelt that makes me want to empathise with the victims you talk about. It just seems too uniformed, too unemotional for my liking.

If you want to revise this piece, I suggest that perhaps you change the lines. Do one at a time if it helps. For instance:

"The swamps of scarlet hiss around."

Or something along those lines. Nice to see more people writing poetry about war though. I've always found it an interesting subject.

( Posted by: False Dawn [Member] On: February 13, 2004 )

Agree with False Dawn
f. j. dubs congrats on a great concept for the poem but have to agree with False Dawn that you could revise it to create more impact

( Posted by: RightingIt [Member] On: February 14, 2004 )

imagery
Personally I like the imagery in this one. the color red on the ground. it just seems to put a picture in your head. telling you war is not always good for all of us, just maybe some of us. maybe i am taking this to deep, but thats a good thing.. imagery is very nice in this!! nice write! keep it up

( Posted by: drkpoet [Member] On: February 14, 2004 )

War Never again
Frankie,

I was born in 1945 and therefore do not remember the war. I do remember, however, people who had fought in it. One such person was also called Frank and he would never voluntaraly speak of the horrors he had lived through on the front line, seeing his mates dying abnd feeling guilty he had lived.

It was with quiet factual acceptance that he spoke and a sadness of heart that man could behave as badly. Your poetry reminds me of Frank and I find the lack of emmotion shown in its lines exactly the mood I know a lot of veterans carry with them.

Younger folk want to paint a vivid horrific picture and I can understand this, but I find the mood set by your words to be born of the true horror.

Thank you for sharing,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: August 18, 2004 )





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