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The Monte Carlo Iridium and Double Gold Professional. (Credit Card)

That'll do it. That's a good name for my Credit Card Business.

Isn't it great, we are all courted and highly valued by so many Companies. They write to us all the time. They want to confirm how upstanding and absolutely top notch we are by offering us their credit card. We feel gratified by the offer alone, it implies status, that all-important thing to which we are all aspire. It looks like a good thing so I'll jump on the bandwagon. For my Credit Card Company I did consider. 'The Workers Plywood Card.' or 'Hard-Up Imitation Vinyl Card.' but decided against. I also considered the silly names that one would think had no chance at all, but of course one would be wrong. 'Put it on my Goldfish' is not a joke at the expense of fish or shop assistants. It's as successful as Billy Connolly.

Metal is good in the name. Gold is old hat though. Everyone has Gold Cards and they are beginning to be viewed with suspicion. To own a silver card is to skulk from place to place with the coat collar up. Platinum has been done, so I have chosen Iridium, I don't know what is it, but the 'um's' are automatically good, financially. Better not go to Uranium and Plutonium as it might frighten people, especially if the card could be made to glow in the dark. Actually now I think about it, that might have been great but it's too late, the new stationery order has gone to the printers. The necessary exclusivity for my Credit Card is provided by the Monte Carlo element of the name, not that I've got anything to do with the place. I ruled out 'International' as there are poor people in the world. No poor people in Monte and with my card it's almost the same as having a yacht and bodyguards. Imagine my card was the 'Wigan Iridium etc.' Might as well call it 'Fish and Chips', hang on, that's not bad. The inverted snobs would have a smile when they flashed it at Fortnum's ...'Put it on my Fish and Chips please.' Too late, gone to the printers. Not only are we courted and our self-esteem increased by every post with Credit Card offers, there are also a vast band of philanthropists who wish to send us a lot of money. What is so good about them is that they like difficulties. If you are financially prudent, happily married, never been in the County Court, and kept up the mortgage payments religiously, they might still consider us, but with less relish. No, it's the tough ones they want, if you own a house. 'Mortgage arrears no problem.' 'Your home is at risk if you do not keep up the repayments.' Those two statements appear together very often, very odd. Unless they actually want your house. Surely not? Ask yourself, how can someone, presented with a history of imprudent debt and failure to repay still lend money to you? Exactly.

I think these philanthropists work on categories.

No house, owned or mortgaged..........................NO.

With house. Poor and fairly stupid.....................YES. (The preferred category.)

Ditto............Hard working but fairly stupid.......YES.

Ditto............High earning, high spending, designer labels.....YES.

Try an application if your address is cardboard box no 3, Under Westminster Bridge?

Perhaps in due course all the property in the country will be owned by these lenders? I guess it would be but they'll recycle. Sell it and another potential customer is created.

These philanthropists have lovely respectable names, and have virtually given away billions already. They specialise in 'consolidation'. (Consolidate=Worsen. The words debt, owing and borrowing are avoided)) How we all wish we could 'consolidate', so solid a word, how Stock Exchange, how Coutts and Co. Why, we are almost a 'name' at Lloyds when we 'consolidate'. It would almost be worth getting into debt to do it. What it actually means is that you will be paying for last year's holiday in Tenerife for five or ten years instead of one, and you may well become homeless as well. We feel gratified by acceptance for a loan and we are amazed at how easy it was. We can use the money for any purpose. We have a good 'status', are models of fiscal probity. We may think this means a general discussion has taken place in the Philanthropists inner sanctum, when our ears burnt, about what an all round good egg we are. This is not so. In fact the top usurer, having checked most carefully that they stand to gain yet another house, stamps OK on your application. Then they look at their proposed new advertising campaign. A poor sod has the oak bank doors slammed in his rainswept face. A maze is full of woebegone divorcees, old people, debtors, who don't know which way to turn. Then the reverse, when the philanthropists have 'consolidated' them. The bespectacled children who can now go to Roedean, the classic sports car, the new kitchen, the holiday, the happiness. There it ends. There are no pictures of phase three, which is, a never-ending millstone of repayments, an eviction, a divorce, a childrens home, and bed and breakfast with the asylum seekers. 'What a lot of money people must owe.' We say this to ourselves with self-righteous smugness if we are not in the same position. We grin, with rueful glee. 'How can they ever pay it all back? ' Well very often they can't and I shouldn't mind a few houses houses myself, so if you can't beat 'em join 'em'. My Empire, The Wensum Group of Companies is going into banking. The name of the credit card is now fixed and I shall go into the consolidation business. I shall need to borrow a bit of money to start. I can do that easy enough, I've got my house for security. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/


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The following comments are for "The Monte Carlo Iridium and Double Gold Professional. (Credit Card)"
by peterperkins

Ha!
I like.

Scathing and well written, the whole thing manages to vent its spleen in a polite and intelligent sort of way. Fun!

By the way, have you considered Adamantium?

( Posted by: Beckett Grey [Member] On: December 7, 2001 )





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