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If ‘Game for a Laugh.’ or `Candid Camera` were called ‘You’ve been Deceived and Ridiculed.’ would they have as big an audience? I’m afraid they probably would. But I can’t watch the destruction of trust and good-nature without wincing. It is a most heinous crime. After their experiences at the hands of the fiends, these victims, and to some extent the watching audience, will trust nobody. Not the Salvation Army, Nuns, All Roadmen, Gas Board Officials, etc..

Please, Tony Blair and your large majority, pass a one off law, perfectly legal if Parliament does it, to knock Jeremy Beadle's garden wall down, no reason, no redress, no joke.

Life depends on trust and goodwill. I’m not winding you up. Winding up is a euphemism for lying, anxiety inducing lies, but it’s OK if it is a wind up. Nothing is sacred. We are reaching the point when it will be better to regard everything as a wind-up, unless the contrary is proved. Trust in callers and phone calls is being eroded all the time. Free survey of your windows, free quote for the kitchen. This is only possible because of the inherent good nature of the population at large.

If only we could get the home phone numbers of the tele-sales people. They must have time off, they must be sitting down watching television or eating their sausage and chips sometimes. Then our team could ring and advise them that our supervisor (the only one allowed to give money away on such a vast scale) wishes to tell them of a wonderful opportunity, apparently free. We will stone chip their house, brick-weave their drive, stained glass their door, keep them free from the paralysing carpet bugs by a vacuum cleaner that in fact only costs about as much as a small car, etc. In the legislation that knocks Beadle’s wall down, clause two makes the sales caller announce their home phone number as well as their name. They are very free with the latter but won’t be so keen on the former I bet.

I would prefer them not to ring at all, even given the own-back opportunity, but if they must I would prefer them to be honest. Thus..‘I am sorry to bother you. I am ringing on the off-chance that you wish to have new windows and doors, because my firm sell them. If you don’t want them please just say and I will go away at once.’

The effect of these unsolicited calls is that we now answer the phone as if it were an adder with it’s fangs out, and our guarded answer can puts off our real friends and relatives.

Consumer Surveys in the street are designed to give Unilever or Sony and the like even more profit. Don’t feel important if you are chosen. You are a dupe. Everybody in the exercise is being paid except you. The outcome will not be of general benefit to mankind but more likely a larger hole in the top of your Fairy Liquid bottle or a slightly smaller Penguin. Clause three of my unusual Parliamentary Bill sets up the Consumer Survey Survey. A team with huge clipboards approaches these smaller clipboard market researchers and they must answer (my law says so) many questions...’How many people over 50 do you interview on the average Saturday.’ ‘What is the proportion of fat to slim people you interview. Here are two cards showing a typical fat and a typical slim etc..’

At least it will keep them from annoying other people for a while.

http://www.comedygenius.fsnet.co.uk/


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Comments

The following comments are for "A Beadling Shame"
by peterperkins

A sardonic wit.
Very nicely done. You mimic the professional, cultural satirist perfectly. I mean that as a compliment. I hope you take it as one. Further, If you've never read Mike Royko, you should. I think you'd love him.

Parteepants

ps. welcome to the best damned lit site in the world. Glad you found it.

( Posted by: Richard Dani [Member] On: December 7, 2001 )

sweet revenge
Ah yes. Wouldn't it be nice. :-) A good dose of revenge on all the annoying people in the world.
I really enjoyed reading this article. It's cleverly written, and I'm sure it touches a couple of raw nerves for a lot of people. Well done.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: February 12, 2003 )





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