unwin avenue-- 2nd draft
by ark (Member) - published: December 14, 2003
Word Count: 341 Word Bytes: 2013 Viewed: 858 times
Category - Flash Fiction
© Copyright by ark

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author's note:

after some feedback and a rewrite, here's unwin avenue again. hoping this smooths out some of the rough patches. not sure where i stand on the capitalization issue, so i haven't changed it-- yet. new feedback is welcome. feel free to dig up the old version if you'd like to see what's changed.

__________

at the bottom of toronto, leslie street intersects unwin avenue, just before it becomes leslie spit. my lungs are ragged from the ride, but i manage a dark laugh. unwin. i win, and then i unwin. i lose.

i don’t win; i don’t win you.

that cat lost, too. that one, see? just muddy tufts of hair now, colorless, growing out of the road like sad november grass. i ride over it before i know what it is.

the road unrolls: so straight i could close my eyes for awhile, listen to the water sloshing the sides of the land, the crank of the chain, my breathing. i’m losing my breath in this mad ride.

the sun is going, going so fast. i’ll race you, sun, you fucker. i’ll race you to the end of this land, the end of this city. i’ll win.

the pavement roughens into dusty patches of pebbles. wild waving heads of goldenrod, geese, solitude. swarms of tiny bugs—one in each of my eyes, one down my throat. i can’t cough it up. bug juice and tears feel like hairspray, poorly aimed. one hand digs at my sticky eyes, the other steers around potholes.

you’re raging through me like an illness, like a bullet, like a storm.

i throw my bike down in the weeds, myself down in the rocky debris at the shore. if i could ride further i would. there’s burrs all over my sweater; it’s too thin against the lakebreeze. the trees here are backlit, aflame, cherry-orange. one sliver of day left. i’m ripping open.

how could there be flowers here that i’ve never seen before?
how could you have meant it when you said no?

------

ark

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Comments

The following comments are for "unwin avenue-- 2nd draft"
by ark

you lose
After reading both of these stories (I remember reading the original a while ago and never commenting on it for some reason or another) I can tell you that I liked the end of the original better. The pairing of the phrases at the end of this piece seem a bit tired or overdone, but the way the original ends seems to have a stronger impact (for me, at least).

I'm with you on the capitalization. I think it's kind of an artistic thing to leave capitalization out and in some way sets a tone for the writing. However, it is alot easier to lost your place when there's no capitalization and it does take away from the author's voice in some respects. I think you might be able to overcome that though.

Anyways, long story short...I like this rewrite better than the original. All except for the ending, that is. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: December 15, 2003 )

?
penelope... could you explain what you mean? where do you see the "lack of the finer points of story telling"?

and yeah, i corrected you about its/it's.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: December 15, 2003 )

shift
i'm a stickler for grammar if you ever saw one, but i do think the shift key is optional. there's something about seeing words all on one level that works better for me. occasionally i'll capitalize, but overall, i don't particularly like it. it's not a mindless slip; i'll guarantee that. what i hope is that my readers can still read and absorb the words. we'll see.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: December 15, 2003 )

i
ha.
my self esteem is fine, most days. and i left the west coast for toronto of my own free will: no have-tos.
thanks for the clarification.

the "in violet"s are looking great, i just haven't had a chance to comment.

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: December 15, 2003 )

mad ride to unwin
i sort through my mail - all welcome words.
a postcard from a plot bunny, apologizing for not writing sooner; notes from a plangent penelope, a sad-song darkshine raven, a sputterglitter ark.

to unwin...is it to not win,

or is it only unwinding half-done, more life and time left to continue?

once I am unwound, i want my last line to be a question. even the tapdancing cockroach did not end with ayeee, but with an inquiring why??. but what to ask?

( Posted by: Nimbus1944 [Member] On: December 16, 2003 )

wow
Ark, I didn't read the original, although I might. Wow, you have a knack for climbing inside a person and fondling their emotions, gloves off. It's a stirring, like cardiac massage; a person could either feel discomfort, or gratitude. I feel gratitude, as well as a touch of envy.

This is great. So glad I read it. The lack of caps doesn't bother me at all, just so you know, and I think I understand what you mean by seeing the words all on one level.

Safiyah

( Posted by: Safiyah [Member] On: March 6, 2004 )

unwinning with you
Very good in both drafts. I liked the original section with the bike chain and less talk of bugs (but then that leads into what rages in you, doesn't it? so maybe I just liked the inclusion of chain sound and things around it).

I like the no caps in this. It makes the flash read as what it is -- a rush of feeling which blurs distinctions of higher and lower characters.

For some reason I can't explain I got a little shiver reading the end of this one. So my vote between the two falls on the side of revision. It may be that I knew what was coming while reading the original. Still, I think the power in this one's ending lies in it's perfect final summarization.

I'm going to keep reading through your back works at a snail's pace, lest I become overwhelmed and renew "Genius I Met" with a firm dedicatory nod to you.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 14, 2004 )

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