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Concentrated thoughts
make up this young man,
Begotten and torn.

In a world of refuse and
differed minutes,
his wings ache for more
than these slurring skies,
for more than this tired earth.

His wailing and moaning
come in intervals-
falling leaves,
slowly,
into destruction.

His eyes,
film reels aching slowly in
the night.

His feet liquid-
faint sounds come forth,
but not enough for life or
progress.

No resolution in sight-
feeble slurring skies,
dry cracking earth.


------
Loved ones, reach out to your children before they are swallowed up by the idiot box.


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The following comments are for "Man drawn from earth"
by pablowilliams

30 day poem challenge
1 of 30- 1/1/10

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: January 4, 2010 )

oops
31- sorry not 30.

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: January 4, 2010 )

pablo Day 1
This is very Dickens-esque or plucked from Madame Bovary. I loved the first three stanzas because you captured how I feel almost to a tee, sshh haha. This is great stuff, very straightforward and honest; can't wait for Day 2.

~mj20300

( Posted by: mj20300 [Member] On: January 4, 2010 )

pablo..
If employing commas and periods, why cap each line?

*In L1 of S2, I read as: "'of' rufuse"
*In S5, L2: perhaps, a comma after "forth"

"And dry cracking earth"..That didn't do it for me.

as earth cracks
under slurred skies
of resolution

Keep putting pen to paper..

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: January 5, 2010 )

Editing is our friend..
I see you've made some changes, but "Make" and "Begotten" are still capped..?

In L3 of S5, did you mean: "'but' not enough.."?

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: January 5, 2010 )

Everyone:


Cant win for losing on this one! Humbly corrected. That is what happens when you rush things- lesson learned..AGAIN!! :)

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: January 6, 2010 )

MJ
Thank you for seeing past the obvious flubs and appreciating the essence of this nonsense I write! Thanks friend!

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: January 6, 2010 )





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