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Chapter 1
The sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?
Suanne glanced at the note for the third time. She recognized the lyrical words of Percy Bysshe Shelley. It wasn't the first letter she'd received from a certain anonymous admirer. They were always hand-written in calligraphy script and unsigned. Attached to the envelope, was a chocolate wrapped in gold paper tied with a gold ribbon. Crumpling the wrapping, she popped the chocolate into her mouth. She tasted a mocha flavour as the sweet melted on her palate.
She fantasized about who it might be. Certainly, the person knew her favourite poets and about her passion for Belgian chocolates. She hadn't told her husband about her secret admirer.
She stood at the patio door overlooking the Pennsylvania estate she called home. The surface of the swimming pool rippled as the wind picked up. The tennis courts were empty. To the far right, she could see the horse stables where her treasured mare, Duchess, was resting after her morning ride. She heard the rustling of leaves. Dark clouds collected overhead. She shivered.
She dreamt of days long past, when she had been in love with life. Each day had been an adventure filled with laughter and excitement. Those were the chocolate days filled with sweet moments. She looked at the note again and tucked it in her pocket for safekeeping.
These days, she spent hours sitting by the lake, thinking or not thinking at all. She watched the sunlight dapple on the water. In the cool of the evening when the sun set, the view was magical. The sky would turn mauve and orange. She'd lie back on the grass and watch the clouds slowly shift. At night, the stars were bright, taking her mind far away from her physical body into a dream world of romantic interludes and midnight rendezvous with a secret lover. In her fantasies, she dreamt about gondola rides in the canals of Venice with a glass of wine serenaded by the gondolier. She envisioned the lights of Paris under sapphire skies.
In the winter, the lake would ice over. She loved putting on her skates and skating around the lake. There was a time when she skated with her husband. They'd laugh and talk, but now she spent most of her days and nights without him.
Where was her husband now? Isaac was probably in a meeting with board executives or dashing to catch a taxi to his next appointment.
Despite living a life of luxury, she felt apathetic and depressed. Before she got married, she used to be so carefree, happy and spontaneous. What had changed for her in the three years since they married?
She thought back to the months leading up to their wedding, she had felt excitement and happiness. Those precious days were one of the best times of her life. She busied herself planning the invitations, caterers, the ceremony and the reception with the help of family.
She felt like a princess, wearing her mother's diamond necklace and earrings to the wedding. They dazzled and sparkled as she walked down the aisle escorted by Ian, her father.
Ian proudly kissed her cheek and placed her gloved hand over Isaac's. The groom looked dapper in a black tuxedo with a grey tie. His best man was Paul Graveley. Next to him stood two other groomsmen also in matching ties. They were university buddies. To the left stood Diane, Suanne's sister and maid of honour, in a burgundy sleeveless gown. Two other family friends were pleased to be bridesmaids with matching dresses. All eyes were riveted upon Isaac and Suanne as they gave their vows. Isaac slid a solitaire diamond ring onto her left ring finger. Suanne's eyes teared. This was their moment. He gave her a warm kiss. When the minister introduced them as "Mr. and Mrs. Isaac Winters," the guests cheered and clapped. Camera flashes made her see stars.
Afterwards, a catered reception included a succulent buffet dinner of prime rib, baked salmon, sautéed vegetables, pasta with clam sauce, and a salad bar and tasty desserts. After the meal, they waltzed and celebrated until past midnight. The whole day was like a fantasy come true. The guests didn't get too drunk, and best of all, she married the man she thought she loved.
During the honeymoon, Isaac couldn't get enough of her. He lavished his attention on her so much she felt like royalty. He took care of every detail, wanting to make things perfect. They chose to stay at a hotel in New York. He carried her across the threshold of the bridal suite. The suite was decorated with bouquets of flowers. A basket of champagne, grapes and Brie came with a card. It was signed from his parents. The scent of lilacs and lavender in the room delighted her. He presented her a burgundy silk chemise, which was draped over the bed.
He slipped off her white satin shoes and stockings. He tenderly kissed her bare shoulders and neck as he unzipped her lace gown. She flushed as he tantalized her with his ardor. One night of passion overflowed into the next. They spent their entire honeymoon in their suite, cuddling and making love. They dialed up room service for ice cream sundaes and shrimp cocktails.
When they left two days later, they took a taxi to the airport. In the cab, his cell phone rang. He answered it swiftly and talked all the way to the airport. When they got there, he told her he had a change in plans. She could fly back to Boston alone. He was needed in Philadelphia. He recently had landed an administrative position for a publishing firm called Ester Publishing. They had several branches in the United States. He was given the task of streamlining their accounting system.
Doubtfully, she asked him if there was some sort of emergency. Isaac said that the in-house accountant in the Philadelphia branch was ill. He had been asked to temporarily step in and also upgrade the bookkeeping system there. Isaac assured her that he'd take care of things and join her in Boston as soon as he could. He kissed her at the airport before he left her to arrange for a flight to Philadelphia. Disappointed, she boarded the plane. He had booked first class tickets for the two of them.
A rather large woman sat down next to her on the plane. She said that a first class seat had opened up at the last minute. She was happy to get a seat that accommodated her size. The woman spent most of the flight coughing. "Bronchitis," she said.
Isaac and Suanne had agreed they would live temporarily in his apartment until they could find a nicer place. Feeling low, Suanne arrived at his apartment with her luggage. The wedding gifts sat unopened on the worn wood floor. Her boxes of belongings still needed to be unpacked. She searched for a pot to heat up a can of soup. After hunting unsuccessfully, she ended up using a plastic container in the microwave. Exhausted, she didn't bother looking for the bed linen but found a blanket. She spent the night in a restless sleep on a hard mattress, waking up with a stiff back.
She called Isaac on his cell phone, but only got a recording. Distressed, she called her mother, Daisy. She agreed it was disappointing Isaac had to leave, but it would give her time to unpack and clean the apartment before he returned. Disgruntled, Suanne hung up the phone and looked for something to eat. She found instant oatmeal and cooked it in the microwave. The oatmeal had apples and cinnamon, but the taste seemed bland.
Over the next few days, Suanne unpacked their belongings, but saved their presents to be opened together with Isaac. She squeezed her clothes into the small bedroom closet. Isaac had a lot of white shirts that needed pressing. She put her collection of mugs and mismatched plates in the kitchen cupboards and stained cutlery away in the kitchen drawers. She even scrubbed the mold in the bathtub grout and cleaned the oven.
She started to develop a cough, fever, and a sore throat. Worried that she had contracted something on the plane, she went to her doctor. He checked her throat and told her that it was indeed bronchitis. He recommended pain relievers, cough suppressants, and more fluids. She went to the local drugstore to stock up on over-the-counter remedies. She hacked and wheezed all the way home.
She tried to call Isaac again. This time he answered. Between coughs, she told him that she was ill.
"When will you be coming home?"
He was very apologetic and said he'd fly back the following Sunday. Relieved, she said that she loved him but she didn't share how upset or lonely she'd been since the honeymoon. She asked if she could meet him at the airport but he said the plane wouldn't get in until nine p.m. He'd just take a taxi.
On Sunday, she planned a late dinner for him. Her bronchitis was almost gone. She bought pasta, fish, prawns, clams, scallops, a baguette, salad greens, strawberry mousse, and a bottle of Chanti. She put a large pot of water on the stove to boil. She stared at the seafood on the cutting board. Certainly, she shouldn't cook the fish and shellfish until he arrived so it wouldn't spoil. Instead, she wrapped up the items carefully and put them back in the fridge. The water came to a boil so she added the pasta. She looked at her watch, hoping he'd come in the door at any minute.
Unfortunately, she forgot about the pasta on the stove and it overcooked. She drained it and put it into a bowl. Hungrily, she munched on crackers. In boredom, she turned on the television and idly flicked the stations. She took a book of poetry from the bookcase and soon was absorbed. The phone rang.
Eagerly, she dashed for the phone but it was a wrong number. She sighed and continued reading on the couch.
Later, a key turned in the lock. Isaac opened the door and tiptoed into the apartment. He found Suanne fast asleep on the couch. He bent to kiss her.
Suanne was startled when he touched her. Her forehead hit his and they both moaned. Overjoyed to see him, she hugged and kissed him sweetly. She told him that she had a gourmet dinner planned. He shook his head and said that he ate on the plane. She looked at her watch. It was two in the morning.
She was dismayed and contemplated throwing out the pasta. He lifted her off the couch and carried her into the bedroom. Soon Isaac fell asleep in his day clothes on the double bed. Next to him, Suanne lay awake, thinking about nights of passion in New York, before she finally dozed off. The next morning, he rose early. Not wanting to wake her, he put on his running shoes quietly and slipped out the door for a jog. She awoke and realized he was gone again.
After she made a pot of coffee, she drank a cup and stared out the window, silently wishing him back. With a grin, he returned with a bag of donuts and two coffees. In a strained voice, she said that she already had coffee. He offered her a donut. Despite the sweet icing, the donut tasted dry to her. She asked if he'd like to open their gifts together.
"Go ahead. I'll watch." He sat back on the couch while she knelt on the floor. She gleefully unwrapped the gifts. She raved about the china, the linens, blankets and pillows. She thought a blown glass vase from Isaac's aunt was extravagant, but beautiful nonetheless. She was overwhelmed. His cell phone rang which he answered immediately. Impatiently, she tapped her foot as he completed the call.
"Isaac, can you help me address thank you cards?"
"That's what computers are for. Honey, I've got to go out. Don't wait dinner for me."
"Can't you just talk to me for five minutes?"
"I don't have time for this, okay?" He slammed the door behind him. This wasn't working out the way she thought it would.
Daisy told her that life would never be perfect. Something always gets in the way of pure happiness. Daisy had made concessions when she got married. She stayed home to raise her and Diane and never finished college. She had been studying to be a nurse but marriage interfered with that. It was very important to Daisy that Suanne finish university before marriage. She felt it was the right thing to do.
When Daisy met Isaac, his savoir faire impressed her. She felt Suanne's "nice, young man" was a real catch. Isaac had a great future ahead of him in business. Surely, Suanne would be safe and never want for much of anything.
Suanne wondered if this first month of her marriage was something she would grow to expect in the months and years to follow. How could she have not seen the clues before she got married? Back then he would take calls when they were out together. He'd rise from the table and walk away with his cell phone to his ear in the middle of a steak dinner. Sometimes he'd sit back down and finish the meal but other times he'd make excuses and leave. One time, they were watching a horror movie on TV at her place and he took a call. It was after nine p.m. She spent the rest of the evening eating popcorn and watching the movie alone while he typed a letter for his supervisor who needed it a.s.a.p.
Truthfully, she admired his abilities. She felt lucky that someone like him would be interested in her. He was influential and ambitious. Isaac told her that keeping his job meant he would be called away at times. After all, he was climbing the corporate ladder. She'd ask him if the money was that important. He said, "I'm doing it for us." He'd kiss her, pick up his laptop and leave. She wanted his attention. She wanted to spend time with him, but all he seemed to be interested in was work.
On one of the rare occasions he was home for breakfast, she said, "I'd really have preferred to keep my job at the library." She loved the feel of old bound books and the calm atmosphere. Home only for a month and she was getting cabin fever.
"You're too precious to be stacking books all day. Father would blast me if I let you work. Remember what he said?"
"But isn't it our decision?" Suanne protested loudly. Those traditional roles were passé; however, she knew he didn't want to go against his parents' wishes because they held the purse strings on his inheritance.
"It's a Winters' decision." Isaac folded his newspaper and placed it on the table. "Relax and take it easy. I'll be back later." Suanne knew he didn't want her to work, but it didn't stop her from asking.
She insisted she needed to get out more. Suanne expressed that she wanted to be free to go out for lunch, try new things, and be involved with living. In that little apartment, she felt her spirit was being sucked out of her. Depressed, she found it difficult to adjust to being alone.
He said that no one was preventing her from exploring as long as she was home when he was.
"How kind of you!" she said sarcastically.
He suggested she invite over a friend. She called up the library and talked to Erin, one of the library clerks. Erin said that she was too busy and couldn't come over. She called a schoolmate, but her number had been changed. Suanne tried to email her but the message bounced back. Finally, she called her older sister, Diane, who answered on her cell phone.
"I'm bored out of my mind."
"Patience. It's only been a month, Suanne." Diane stood in a busy, loud corridor, waiting as students poured into the classroom. She could barely hear Suanne's voice over the noise.
"I miss you. Are you free this weekend?"
"No can do. I'm marking tests and planning a science project for ten-year-olds."
"I'd really like to come see you."
"Suanne, don't worry. It'll work out. I've got to go." The school bell rang.
Perplexed, Suanne wondered what to do with all this time on her hands. She could only read so many hours of the day. She thought perhaps Diane couldn't be bothered with her impulsive younger sister. She knew that Diane had her head on straight and she could definitely have benefited from a conversation with her. She called her again that evening.
"You don't realize how good you have it," said Diane, stretching in her computer chair. "I'd love to not have to work."
"He's away all the time. He's too preoccupied to notice what I wear to bed."
"Get used to it. You're going to be rich."
"That's supposed to make me feel better?"
"I agree you're too smart to sit around playing solitaire all day. There must be neighbours in your building. Why not talk to them?"
What was wrong with her? She was privileged in some respects, but still unhappy. She thought about making friends in the building. She hadn't made an effort to meet anyone there. She knew the apartment manager and a small family with two toddlers lived downstairs. Upstairs lived a pianist. If she opened the window or stood under the vents she could hear the notes clearly as his fingers caressed the keys. One day she met him on his way in and said hello. He asked for her name. His name was Tobey. He looked to be about her age. Right away she noticed his deep set brown eyes, delicate hands and long, slender fingers. He said he was a songwriter. She asked if she could watch and listen to him play one afternoon. He invited her to come up the next day.
She worried about what to wear to his apartment. It was like she reverted to being a teenager wanting to impress a boy. She enjoyed the attention of males in the past and in her idle state, Tobey was a diversion. At home, she mostly hung out in t-shirts and capri pants. Surely, as a guest she should wear something nice. She put on a lilac summer dress and sandals and curled her hair. She put on a copper bangle, plum eye shadow and cherry lipstick. Around two p.m. she walked up the steep stairs. She rapped on his door.
Inside, the music stopped. He answered and let her in. It was a studio apartment. The piano took up most of the room next to a single bed. There was nowhere else to sit so he motioned for her to sit on the bed. He asked her what she would like to hear. She giggled. He asked why? She asked him to play Bing Crosby's "Don't Fence Me In." He began to play and soon both were singing the words. After it was over, Suanne laughed again.
"Why is that song so funny to you?" asked Tobey.
"If you only knew what it's like." She requested he play some of his songs. He didn't need much of a nudge. He was eager to share his new music and get a reaction from people outside the industry. She didn't play an instrument, but felt he was very talented. She sat next to him on the piano bench so she could see the words on his music sheets as he sang. She felt blissful and closed her eyes for a moment.
"Where's your head now?" said Tobey. "You're drifting off someplace." He tilted her chin with his fingers and kissed her on the cheek. She opened her eyes and looked into his. Sucking in a breath, she stood up quickly.
"It's late. I have to make dinner."
"I've got frozen dinners in the fridge if you'd like to stay."
She shook her head. "My husband will be home soon."
"Your husband? I've never met him. If I were him, I wouldn't let you out of my sight."
She blushed and stammered as she said goodbye and ran down the stairs to her apartment. She unlocked the door with nervous fingers. She closed it behind her and went to the bathroom to rinse off her makeup. Suddenly, she was a teenage girl again infatuated and eager for attention. She had to put ideas out of her head. She was an adult now.
As the water flowed from the tap, she grabbed a tissue and wiped the lipstick off her mouth. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was glossy and wavy. Her nose was dainty and her eyes were cerulean blue like the summer sky. Her chin was just right with a gentle jaw line. She was slender and tall. Her mother had taught her poise and etiquette. One never knew how important it was to dress and be polite, she remembered her mother told her.
Feeling unbalanced, Suanne turned off the stream of cold water and rubbed her temples. She couldn't lie to herself. She enjoyed the kiss, the music and sitting at the piano with Tobey. She had felt his thigh against hers, the rhythm of the music, and the warmth of his body. She had smelled his musk cologne mixed with the scent of him. She shook any ideas from her conscious mind. It was easy to fall into old traps.
###
She first discovered boys weren't just about sports and sweat when she reached high school. She had no brothers to show her what to expect from the opposite sex. Her father and mother were old-fashioned and steered away from discussions on sex or dating with her. At school, there were boys that would whistle or wink at her. Others would look, but didn't speak to her. She wore skirts and shorts to school that showed off her legs. Dating was far more interesting than geography or physics. She could rope in her green admirers with a smile or laughter. One look into her eyes and they were hooked. In conversation, she would play tricks.
One day, a new student, Trent, who had just moved into the area from Dallas talked to her in the hall before the bell rang. A boyfriend named Mike waved to her. Mike was on the basketball team. They had gone for milkshakes after several of his games and necked in his car. She waved back and called out his name. Mike strolled over and put his arm around her waist.
"Buddy, take your hands off her," said Trent in a southern drawl.
"Who's going to stop me?" Mike pushed him, but Trent didn't budge.
"Mike, we're only talking," Suanne said. She offered the Texan her hand and gave his a squeeze. "It good to see that you're settling in." She turned and walked down the hall with Mike at her heels.
"What's that about, Suanne?"
"He likes me."
"So?"
Even though she'd play one off the other, she always denied it was intentional. She was never really serious about any of her high school dates, but did make out in cars and in dark places at night. No one really stole her heart. It was a thrill but nothing really lasted or was important enough for her to continue in building relationships. However, her boyfriends may have not thought that way. She gained a reputation as a flirt and heartbreaker. Some of the girls disliked her. It didn't seem fair that she should get so much attention when she really didn't seem to care about those she hurt.
Diane observed her behaviour at school and had seen Mike and Trent with her in the hall. She worried about Suanne. One afternoon, she came home when Suanne was watching a sitcom. "Why do you treat your friends like that?" asked Diane.
"I don't know. It's just a game."
"What's wrong with Mike?"
"Mike, Steve, Trent. What's the difference?"
"They're people, Suanne. Not garbage. Even the girls avoid you now. What do you have to say about that?"
"I'm watching a show."
Diane confided in her school counselor that she was concerned about her sister. The counselor listened carefully. "Sometimes people with low self-esteem will push people away because they don't love themselves."
Pensively, Diane went home. She decided not to talk to Suanne about the counselor's comments. She didn't know why someone as attractive and smart as Suanne would have that sort of problem. She preferred to wait it out and not alienate her by criticizing her behaviour. Maybe Suanne just needed to grow up.
After Suanne graduated from high school, she became more interested in literature than superficial relationships. She enrolled in university, eager to broaden her knowledge and achieve a degree. Outside of her schooling, she enjoyed working in the library because it calmed her mind and emotions.
###
Suanne had been visiting the piano player for four weeks. Isaac entered the apartment, disgusted to see the bed unmade, dirty dishes in the sink, and dirty laundry on the floor. The curtains weren't even drawn.
"Suanne, where've you been?" Isaac stood erect with his arms folded and an accusatory look.
"I've been here all the time." She shook off her sandal and rubbed her bare toes on her other calf.
"Where's here?"
"Upstairs, visiting Tobey. He's a great pianist."
Isaac raised an eyebrow. "How long have you been spending time with him?"
She licked her lip. "Not long."
Where's dinner?"
"Stove's not working. We have to eat out."
He undid his collar button and pulled his shirt off over his head. He reached for a black cashmere sweater. "I see you're already dressed to go out." She wore a denim skirt with a low cut blouse.
"I no longer want you to go upstairs." He gave her a disapproving look. "In the future, stay away from the piano player. I don't want to hear any gossip from the other tenants that something's going on. Understand?"
"He's a songwriter. He was showing me his scales."
"You definitely don't need piano lessons from Mr. Fingers."
"Are you jealous?" she challenged.
"Should I be?" he countered sternly.
"Maybe if you were home more often, or let me work, I wouldn't be so bored." Avoiding his gaze, she picked up her purse and opened the door. They left to go to the café down the street.
Isaac tried to contain the anger and jealousy he felt. He was unsure how to handle the piano player. Suanne's interest could be completely innocent. After all, they were newlyweds. He knew she could turn heads. Her beauty was a siren for passing ships. He wanted to trust her without demanding answers. Certainly, he could do that. Besides he had something up his sleeve.
The family-run café had a homey feel and good prices. A young hostess led them to their usual table in the corner. They stared at the menus but didn't look at each other. Suanne ordered a bacon burger and fries. Isaac opted for a steak. She frowned. "Can we buy a new stove?"
"Is this what it's all about? You want a new stove?" He looked smug. "I've got something better in store for us. What do you think about moving?"
Suanne dropped her fork. It clattered on her plate.
"Good news. I've been offered the manager job in Philadelphia. We’re moving to Pennsylvania!"
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