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I never doubted Nell at first,
never doubted the things she said.
Looking back now brings me pain,
because I believed it in my head;

Nell said we were heaven meant,
my tent to shelter me from rain.
It rained today and I got wet,
that makes me feel more pain.

My soul mate said my tent,
so please tell me why,
there's no tent over me my pet,
as the rain falls from the sky?

No soul mate for me I cry,
you not saying this with love.
No tent to keep me dry,
You're toying with me my dove.

A false promise made is stealing.
You said together we shall stay.
Saying we were never leaving,
that we will live as one every day.

It hurt my inner feelings,
when Nell moved away.
You did not intend to stay,
by telling lies to me that day.

Prove to me your love,
I have no other needs.
Expenses are many send money,
and you say this till I bleed.

The more I gave the more she needed.
Four years pass since that date.
Send me your money,
no more I can wait.

Moneys gone and so is Nell,
all I want is to know why.
Nell wanted everything I've got,
wanted to bleed me dry?



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Comments

The following comments are for "Nell Loved a Fool"
by Nulla

Heh
A fool and his money easily parted hmm? Good story structure although the title 'Nell Loved A Fool' is misleading, Nell loved his money.
You seem to worry a lot about twisting words around to suit a rhyming scheme;
ie verse 8, line 4,
"No more I can wait" feels unnatural, I suggest, "I can't wait any longer"
Blank verse is just as effective as rhyming verse. Try to focus on feeling not on following rules. If it feels right, bugger the rules, you'll develop an instinct for it as you practice.

The tent metaphor is good, but you have over-egged the pudding a tad. Verses 3 and 4 could be condensed into one verse and without using the phrases 'soul mate' and 'tent' as much.

All this is for you to weigh up, decide what you want to do with it then accept or reject as you wish. It's brave to put up your work for people to read. Keep writing, keep reading.
Take care
Paul

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: October 4, 2009 )

Thanks Paul
Thanks for your comments and advice Paul, these here and the other posts, they are appreciated.

The title 'Nell Loved a Fool' is supposed to mean Nell loved the fact that he was a fool, and is not a very good title - finding a suitable title can be harder than writing the poem.

The first writing of this poem was different, I changed it trying to follow better structure. I'm trying to learn how to write poetry following the rules. But much of the passion of the first writing was lost in the rewrite. You're right to say bugger the rules.

I need to spend more time on polishing what I write. I'll keep on writing, and reading, because I can only improve, and it's fun.

I have a few poems which I've previousley written, and I will post in their original form.
I can always rewrite them later when I learn more.
Thanks Paul
Cheers
Jack



( Posted by: Nulla [Member] On: October 4, 2009 )

nell
Ah, little Nell has always been a problem. I think my talented friend Paul has it spot on. I want to add, though, that I like the solid attempt at storytelling in the form. Even if you stumbled here and there, it would be worth looking again at this worthy piece- polishing is the work of a poem - finding phrases and rich word choices is what's to do once the framework and idea is laid out. Keep writing.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: October 4, 2009 )





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