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Is there a blond out there whose mother didn't tell her to always wear clean underwear in case she was in an accident? Correspondingly, is there any father out there who neglected to tell his blond daughter that she should always have four good tires on her car in case she was driving through a rather crime infested neighborhood? Thanks, dad, you could have mentioned that when you asked mom to tell me about the birds and the bees.
The chippie, short for our beloved California Highway Patrol PERSON, asked if by any chance I had the premium towing service from AAA that would take me more than the standard towing distance. Being the frugal shopper, my roadside membership was with the Atlas Gasoline Towing and Repair Service and had a limit of three miles, just enough to get me pulled to Leroy's Tire and Liquor Store in Compton.
Leroy's is a cross between Fantasy Island on crack and Disneyland on crystal meth. My gently worn 91 Honda Civic was pulled into the body shop and the rear end hoisted into the air right next to the Christmas advertising banner, "Twelve bullet holes repaired, $899. Treat your lover to Leroy's special handling." You don't want to step over the pallet into you Leroy's Liquor Store, you need to.
"Merry Christmas" barked the aged man behind a foot of bullet proof glass, "need something to calm you down while they work on your car blondie?" I'm always amazed at how many people can guess my name just by seeing me walk in, only in America could you find so many people with name premonition.
Where in the world I wondered could you find an assortment of over a hundred bottles of wine marked "$1.79, NONE higher." And, for that price you also received a tall brown paper bag guaranteed to be one hundred percent recyclable, made of at least thirty percent post smoked cigarette filter paper.
A young man motioned me to the corner , lifted his t-shirt and pointed to his belly button that contained a small plastic bag with a white rock in it. "Dats usually a dime bag but you being down on your luck and all, I'll make it just nine and skip the tip." I'm always at a disadvantage, I never knew you were supposed to tip a drug dealer, nobody ever tells me these things.
Blonds do have logic and I'm proud of mine. I could have said no thanks to the drug dealer and wound up dead for insulting the quality of his impeccable stash or I could live much longer. If anyone needs a dime bag and you can promise, cross your heart and hope to die, that you are not a police office, I can help you score this one time.
"Its going to be a few hours to fix your tire, we have to get hole glue out of downtown LA," the manager said. "Its expensive but worth it, trust me." I took my bottle of Five and a Half Finger wine and headed to the park across the way. There was a steep ravine filled with rusty cars, but on the other side I saw a nice picnic bench and another blond cooking marshmellows.
"Hello," I yelled, "how do I get to the other side?" She stared and stared at me, then her face got all steamy with emotion. "Its people like you that make it hard for all of us. How do you get to the other side? Boy are you dumb, you are on the other side."
Maybe there will be more later, I'm going to drink my wine now, Blondie the blond
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