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love me and leave me  
in your towering  
shadows drape me  
where the caped and masked  
trod take me - that is where  
i want the abandon  
 
let it darken:  
let grow - dark  
darker than our  
sins  
 
or dirty me  
 
or bathe me in your  
city lights  
have that enduring image  
when we part the streets  
again  
 
let it shine:  
let the lights flicker  
and let it spill over  
and wash us  
like run offs of our  
wanting  
 
are we not  
sexier clothed in  
all the spills and dirt?  
 
oh how i want to do  
do what is not to do  
 
love me and leave me  
 
or you can love  
me and not leave me  
and together  
bathe in the light or  
hug the shadows  
and kiss  
 
in these city streets  
love me and leave me  
in old cafes or theatres,  
on worn leather seats of  
movie houses,  
on a crowded bench,  
in a bird invaded park,  
on stinking walls, 
in alleys that have no names,  
or those with many,  
within the confines of  
the confessionary,  
among the throng in a train  
queue, in an wrecked  
construction site,  
the backseat of a cab,  
under the silent muse of  
a practicing choir,  
 
do i care? 
love and leave  
or love me  
and not leave  
 
i will love still.  



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Comments

The following comments are for "love me and leave me"
by webguy

not to sound patronising or anything
I think this poem had a lot of potential, but it quickly tempered away as it progressed. It doesn't really have a sense of flow, almost like you spent a long time working on this, one part at a time, rather than simply sitting down and letting your fingers say the things that your heart has been wanting to, since your lips can't create adequate words. I've always felt that this is how poetry should be. This is also a main reason why I loathe verse, but that's a subject for a rant, rather than a comment. I think that the word usage was, while I'm presuming was meant to be a little rough or coarse, was too abrupt. Too many hard sounds. Also, I think some of the line endings were a little weird. Maybe something like, for example, in the first stanza:
"Love me and leave me
In your towering shadows--
Drape me where the caped and masked trod. Take me -
That is where
I want the abandon."

Finally, I think the work starts too abruptly and then ends still wanting. Not wanting a conclusion, but a resolution. It's just reiteration. While, in itself, this is not, necesarilly, bad, it seems overtaxed, almost as though you were struggling for something to say. I have to question your inspiration in this case, and, if it was such as to inspire this...I don't mean to sound rude, but perhaps you should seek an alternate muse.

( Posted by: the Co.konspirator [Member] On: March 24, 2003 )

work in progress
thanks for the comments. this is a work in progress. written in 15 minutes time. i never had much time to look into it as it was in effect spur of the moment. This is where some of your arguments may be valid: it is half-cooked and that i admit.

However if one devides this poem into two and say I seperate them as act one and act two... one being the more technical and poetic and the other part where the enumeration began...you now have a madman's mind working: at first trying to rationalize; making it dramatic, but much later lacking organisation...goes to be mushy, overly romantic, if not oddly crazy about a muse.

I maybe wrong but let me know what you think.










( Posted by: webguy [Member] On: March 24, 2003 )

Here goes
Webguy, I found it fascinating. I liked it the more I read it. Maybe it was because I felt you were writing without thinking about it, I thought it just flowed and I found that quite interesting to say the least. I hope if you do continue this work in progress, you will leave this one intact as well, for those of us who like it just the way it is...

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: April 5, 2004 )





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