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Melted,blown away.
You made me your snowflake,
and exposed me to high temperature.
You made me your match,
then blew me out.
I was used,
now I`m you.
I hurt,hate,often degrate,
others who surround me.
I disgust,mistrust,
in fear of lies.
A common hypnotize.
slaughtered by your
Otherwise meaningless words.
Why couldn`t you say you cared,
and made it sound true.

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The following comments are for "Revived"
by anya_awaits

not as harsh
Not bad.

I don't agree with midnightmare about captialisation: it looks fine to me; there's no poetic law that says you have to start each line with a captial (if there was, a lot of modern poetry would fall foul of it).

I do agree with him about punctuation, though - there's a few commas where there don't need to be, and you might want to try a semi-colon instead of some of the commas too.
And I *really* don't like the asterisks on *apologies*. Sorry. :)

Overall though, I liked it. Score 7/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: March 6, 2003 )

i like it
I thought this was a really solid poem, personally, with some good imagery and a strong sentiment.

However, I don't think there's a word "degrate"... degrade, yes, and denigrate, but no degrate.

Grammatically, (and hey, I could be wrong) I think the last line should have "make" instead of "made" just to clean up the tenses.

As far as I'm concerned, the weakest line in the poem is "a common hypnotize"... it just isn't as clear as the rest.

Overall, nice job.

( Posted by: desconocida [Member] On: March 6, 2003 )

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