Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
7

(2 votes)


RatingRated by
7Unknown
7Unknown

You must login to vote

Melted,blown away.
You made me your snowflake,
and exposed me to high temperature.
Scarred,mutalated,burnt.
You made me your match,
then blew me out.
I was used,
now I`m you.
I hurt,hate,often degrate,
others who surround me.
I disgust,mistrust,
in fear of lies.
A common hypnotize.
slaughtered by your
*apologies*
Otherwise meaningless words.
Why couldn`t you say you cared,
and made it sound true.


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Revived"
by anya_awaits

not as harsh
Not bad.

I don't agree with midnightmare about captialisation: it looks fine to me; there's no poetic law that says you have to start each line with a captial (if there was, a lot of modern poetry would fall foul of it).

I do agree with him about punctuation, though - there's a few commas where there don't need to be, and you might want to try a semi-colon instead of some of the commas too.
And I *really* don't like the asterisks on *apologies*. Sorry. :)

Overall though, I liked it. Score 7/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: March 6, 2003 )

i like it
I thought this was a really solid poem, personally, with some good imagery and a strong sentiment.

However, I don't think there's a word "degrate"... degrade, yes, and denigrate, but no degrate.

Grammatically, (and hey, I could be wrong) I think the last line should have "make" instead of "made" just to clean up the tenses.

As far as I'm concerned, the weakest line in the poem is "a common hypnotize"... it just isn't as clear as the rest.

Overall, nice job.

( Posted by: desconocida [Member] On: March 6, 2003 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: