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7ilgaar

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Knee deep on the shore I stand
Jim and Me

Not the happiest couple you’ll see

Every time I think of you

I see a flock of birds
Flying in the sky

Circling round
Landing out of sight

Not just one
But multiples

And I think to myself
There are many fish in the sea

But they’re not swimming by
When you’re on my mind

All I see are those birds flying
Free

And Jim watches me see these things
Laughing as he beckons

Calling a crow

Between the fish and me
And those birds circling free





I hope this was not offensive...i was playing with the idea of undesired seperation

but please tell me if it is offensive and i will unpublish it immediately

------
"If you get a feeling next time you see me
Do me a favor and let me know
'Cos it's hard to tell
It's hard to say
Oh well, okay"
Elliott Smith



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Comments

The following comments are for "Jim Crow"
by IcicleIcicle

The sense of beeing free
"I wish I knew how it feels to be free!"
you have mentioned the freely flying birds several times. unless I am missing something you have written this on a propose, or have you written just to describe what you have seen in your surrounding?

( Posted by: ilgaar [Member] On: November 9, 2007 )

ilgaar
haha, yes it was done on purpose

( Posted by: IcicleIcicle [Member] On: November 9, 2007 )

not offensive
not offensive at all. I think you have some very strong images here, although at the moment, I think the poem stutters a bit and suffers from over fragmentation [something I am guilty of myself ;)]... I think this has a lot of potential, and could be made smoother just by reading it out loud seeing where the natural pauses and stresses are... I know that fragmentation is probably fitting for a poem about separation... the key's getting it so it feels natural, yet still retains the effect... if that makes any sort of sense...

sorry to nitpick, I really did enjoy this, the images are old and powerful and well chosen.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: November 9, 2007 )





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