untitled
by GivenxToxFly (Member) - published: June 15, 2006
Word Count: 74 Word Bytes: 546 Viewed: 390 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by GivenxToxFly

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Ten burnt out candles, wax dripping to the floor.
Nine unwashed canvases, left by an artist unsure.
Eight trapped spirits on Heavens border.
Seven dead roses, victim of a poisonous gardener.
Six sleeping angels, slumbering on Heavens beaches.
Five broken hearts, shattered into a thousand pieces
Four unanswered prayers, ignored by the Father.
Three fallen angels, exiled by Heavens striker.
Two dead lovers, offenders of the reaper.
One sane soul, suppressed by its keeper.

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Comments

The following comments are for "untitled"
by GivenxToxFly

nice style, difficult content
I gather that you're trying to paint a portrait of a moment here, and of a feeling, and I really think you're on your way to doing that. The style of counting can be very intense, and I like very much, but I think there's a way you could use it very well to create tension in the work.

As in,
"Nine
Eight
Seven
Eight
Seven
Six
Nine
Eight"

Rather than counting from one to ten, calmly, the speaker is describing the situation in broken and unstable terms, upset, hurting, watching everything lovely seem unstable and uncertain.

Along with that, all of these religious references seem to be meshing strangely. Be careful not to choose the numbers arbitrarily. Why 5 broken hearts instead of 9?

It might be more effective to trace something in the following style

Five unanswered prayers..
Five hope
Four love
Three redemption
Two trust
One mercy.

Only flesh it out, and make it lovely in your really lovely and florid style.

Poetry takes work, and then more work, and any poetry worth reading is worth editing and making better. I think you're going somewhere with this, if you'd like any more suggestions feel free to message me.

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: June 15, 2006 )

GivenxToxFly
I have to say I think I largely agree with shefallssoftly. The individual images are arresting and the overall style has just the right flavour of dark melodrama and latent menace to suit my tastes. I feel like I'm just knit-picking here, but the problem seems to me to be with the rhythm of the poem, which hurries the reader from start to finish and doesn't give them time to feel the full force of each line. In that way, the countdown works against you, not for you, although I can see why you used it. Maybe the lines don't have to rhyme? Or the lines and the countdown could be broken up as shefallssoftly suggested? On saying that, I do think the full stop after every line works, and there is definitely something to be said about the abrupt impact of these images in quick succession (I imagined it being whispered like a child's nursery-rhyme gone bad after dark. But then I'm odd). When all's said and done I don't know what to suggest, I just know that I liked it but something about the way it read wasn't sitting right. Don't take my hackneyed rambling a miss, I really did like the poem and look forward to coming back to an edited version (?) and reading more of your stuff. Cheers.

Shannon.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: June 16, 2006 )

Nice Portriat..
I liked this one.Keep posting.

Regards,

GSVK

( Posted by: G.S.VASUKUMAR [Member] On: June 17, 2006 )

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