You Kiss Me
by shefallssoftly (Member) - published: February 13, 2006
Word Count: 230 Word Bytes: 1741 Viewed: 784 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by shefallssoftly

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You kiss me
With all of the poetry of a forest
Growing wildly, slowly
And thoughtfully possessing
The ground beneath.
Symbiotic rhythmic flowing.
Peaceful rain and light and air.
If a tree falls in a forest
You'll hear me sighing,
Softly.

Mine,
Every inch of you is mine.
Scattered battered imagery,
Spinning and falling and kissing.

Softly, You kiss me
And I wonder if there could
Be anything better
Than this, letting my body heat
Smear the
Winding cursive
Love letter
Sweet whisper ink
I penned across your hand.
Idyllic romantic passions.
Graceful heat and urgency and need.
If all is fair in love and war
I will beg you to conquer me,
Desperately.

Mine,
Every inch of you is mine
And I will devour you shamelessly.
Castle-building, sight seeing,
Illusive allusions eluding.
And suddenly, forcefully, a revelation:
Your skin.

Desperately, you kiss me
And I'm pulled under the water
Thrashing and screaming, muffled
And lost, and feeling my life passing
Dizzy with intensity of pressure
And held on all sides.
Manic panicked exaltations.
Urgent tremor, and turbulence, and torrent.
If you cannot step twice in the same river
Hold me under, and let this moment flow through.

Mine.
Every inch of you is mine
And I'll devour you shamelessly with my
Fingertips and eyes.
If you'll say it
Again, say it--
Say it!
Tell me that you love me.

------
She falls softly down from towering pedastools...

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Comments

The following comments are for "You Kiss Me"
by shefallssoftly

Again I say...
Your squeezing of yourself in venting the inner words of soul in such diction touches me(and many other readers of yours)too much.

I don't know Exactly how to rate your pieces sometimes. When I try to put comment, I face a queer problem to face my own view, so sporadic they are.

Your whispering in silence is a mannerism, this much I can conclude. No, it doesn't mean it happens in every case, but certainly in most of the cases.

Anyway, on my wandering I shall be here once more, of course. But one important information, still almost everyday I read your poems. I put comments on very few; excuse me. Though they are most of them worth putting comments.

Regards,

Myth.
13.02.2006

( Posted by: Myth [Member] On: February 13, 2006 )

Casey,
Remarkable. Brilliant. What a beautiful passion to be consummed in.

I feel this. Alive....and yet there is a block that I can not do this poem justice to comment, other than to tell you I enjoy your poems. I enjoy reading the way your words flow and grab those very important thoughts and give them a life like no other.

Thanks for this Casey. SO good to read you.

Darlene ;)

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: February 14, 2006 )

A big, brave, tasty poem
Casey --

Really nice work here. I'm not sure if you want to go the whole nine yards in terms of commentary and critique... but on this piece, I'd be glad to. There's enough here to get into pretty deeply. I'll start with some inital thoughts, and then, if any of them seem to be going in a direction you find useful, we can take them further. If I'm on a wrong track... well, I can fall in the woods on my ass and just say, "Oof."

First of all, the repetition and parallelis between the stanzas is lovely. Just lovel. It takes some time to build and then to be noticed and then to go back and be really appreciated. But that ends up being almost synesthetic, as far as I'm concerned; a good kiss is like that, too. When you start, you don't know how long it's going to last or where it might lead, or if it will be one or three or 109 kisses before you are done. Delicious form, so don't mess with it.

Except... it kind of looks like it's getting longer each time -- 9 lines + 4 lines; 14 lines + 7 lines -- but then, last pair = 10 lines + 8 lines. Which kind of confused my sense of timing. I wanted something more of a pattern; each set a bit longer, or the line lengths all longer each time or something. Because there is parallelism (and beautiful at that) between the sections in terms of word choice and imagery, I wanted it, also, in the format/structure. Or, if it wasn't going to be there at all, I wanted it to be even more random. Really gropey-gropey, hodge-podge, smear-lipstick, what-the-heck is happening hear? did you hear that confused? It's either a bit too formatted or not quite enough, I think.

Same things holds true for the second "If" image; "alls fair in love and war." The other two images, and most of the poem, are natural images. Lots of really, truly great natural, luscious descriptions. Very sexy, lush stuff. But the 2nd pair of stanzas kind of clashes with that motif. The "love and war," first of all, mentions love directly. So it's not really a metaphor, as the two other idioms are. It's just "something they say." And it's something they say about love, which is what the poem is about. So it's out of line with the other two "sayings," which are, frankly, perfect in this piece, and go together perfectly. And, again, the "love and war" thing doesn't really have anything to do (that I can tell) with the "love letter... penned across your hand." If it's going to be about "war," shouldn't this stanza have images of conquest? Again, I think we need a third idiomatic expression in the second section that works better with the other two, because...

I LOVE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE OTHER TWO! As I said above... perfect. Not a word I use often. The idea of taking tired, old, cliches and pulling them into a love poem by saying, "If these are true, then..." is really quite brilliant:

If a tree falls in a forest
You'll hear me sighing,
Softly.

-- and ---

If you cannot step twice in the same river
Hold me under, and let this moment flow through.

Are really, simply gorgeous. They make me laugh in that neat, happy way. Where you laugh because something is good and right, not because it's funny. So, thanks for that. Nice, nice idea. I plan on stealing it in some subtle way that (hopefully) nobody will notice [But I'll copy you on it and we'll have a giggle].

I also like the tension between the "every inch of you is mine) -- very agressive and posessive -- and the 1st, 3rd and 5th stanzas which are more passive and yielding. Again, nice parallelism with the action of the piece; the give and take of passion.

I have minor quibbles with a few word choices (words like "symbiotic" in a nature stanza; "exaltation," which is, I think, simply too much) and a couple of extra "and"s, which often grate on me. We can go over those in detail some other time.

This is, in many ways, simply a gorgeous poem. The reading I've given it, above, is quite deep enough and lovely and balanced and does all kinds of neat stuff. I am content with it as such.

But... part of me -- the part that sometimes thinks that you, Casey, like to be a bit (or more than a bit) dark -- wonders if this has another level. Either you've dropped some clues, or I'm getting too "delvish" in my late-early-middle age. So. If I'm wrong, and the reading stops with this being an absolutely delightful, deep and charming love poem... let me know and I'll stop the critique right here.

But there's a few little bits in here that make me think that the next level down (which is a place I do so love to visit) was intentional on your part, and not just imagined on mine.

Let me know if I should open that door.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: February 15, 2006 )

Gotta knock a little harder
Indeed, Andy, do open... I always love to hear what my work means

Cause damned if I know.

Thanks for the input, everyone.

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: February 15, 2006 )

gifted...
your mind set is huge and developing well, you are a very promising writer, PLEASE continue you're going to odo great things I can tell
An open mind is a sponge soaking, drinking in LIFE, read you in exsposed, you're awsome!

( Posted by: LMJ [Member] On: April 26, 2006 )

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