Mad Girl's Love Song
by shefallssoftly (Member) - published: June 12, 2005
Word Count: 404 Word Bytes: 2753 Viewed: 1547 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by shefallssoftly

(2 votes)

Rating	Rated by

8	DreamSyndicate

10	Myth

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Author's Note:

This is a takeoff of Sylvia Plath's "Mad Girl's Love Song". Look into it sometime, it's brilliant.

Mad Girl's Love Song

If I close my eyes, sometimes I believe,
They cannot hear my desperate screams
For mercy that echo into the blackness
Of this world without you.

The stars crash in, as my voice pours out
Shooting spiderwebs in red and orange
Across the endless expanse of my eyelids
(veins beating into delicate tissue,
sketches of you drawn by my heart
created for only my eyes to see.)
An ecstacy in the darkness behind blue eyes,
Stars that I thought would lead my way to you
When you stopped being my guide.

I should have loved a thunderbird, instead.

This world is a betrayal, created
As a home where no soul is left to weep alone
And pray that their disgracer is happy,
Where someone can always save me-
You are not allowed to abandon me here.

This ground is sacred
(your careless steps are made upon stones
blessed night after night with my tears)
and so you refuse to walk upon it, now--

I don\'t know how to tell you
That your eyes are the color of nothing
(would you know that that's a compliment?)
I know only one thing–

In my mind, my garden grows beautifully
Roses, and lilies, posies, and poppies
Blossom against midnight skies.
I open my eyes and the carnations you sent me
July, for my birthday,
Are wilting, (far beyond wilting) against
the impersonal, outdated floral print wallpaper
and the dusty sunshine I chase out with curtains.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.

Amorphous, you become just what I ask.
Or, what is closer to the truth, I believe
In what you are, and you’re so far
It doesn’t matter what is true.
I said a thunderbird might do as well
But perhaps what I’ve created is a god
Of my own making.
Perhaps I should have loved you, instead.
I remind myself often that a fictional figure
Cannot save me. Your face is fading
Quickly from my mind.

I used to have you, to keep me from the starfire
But I've lost you there as well, I burn my hands now on beauty.
(i wonder if I ever had you)
Day is breaking, moonlight fading
Marking one more night you don't exist.

------
She falls softly down from towering pedastools...

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Comments

The following comments are for "Mad Girl's Love Song"
by shefallssoftly

Madness
It makes you quite wonder if we are all mad. Who doesn't, at some time, search for someone who becomes just what you ask- just to learn that what you ask for doesn't exist?
A god of your own making is easily fallible, is it not?
Just one more thing that excess thought won't help.
-Liz

( Posted by: APoignantCry [Member] On: June 13, 2005 )

Kinda long, I try to be helpful, please take the time to read all of it - ty.
Hello, I am new to lit.org, and I guess 8 is pretty harsh because this peice is very good, but for me, a 10 should be close to a perfect peice. A perfect peice of course, would be within the proximity of human potential and there would be consideration to the limitation of words... (if there are any)

but anywho.. i'll try to be as helpful as I can in - oh lord.. I did'nt know this was 'takeoff' of a different writting ahh....

well, I don't really know anything about sylvia plath except for her having written "the colossus" and "ariel" so I would'nt know what you would be refering to..

but anyway..

I like this poem. You are very creative in terms of what you write about (metaphorical representations) and/or how it is presented.

for example..

"I used to have you, to keep me from the starfire
But I've lost you there as well, I burn my hands now on beauty. "

the references to each phrase, very good.

what you use to substitute things such as feelings, people - etc. is really great, but the way (only my opinion) it is explained, refered to, described is way too literal (for me) and feels as if you are in some context, force feeding the metaphors down the reader's throat - sometimes. To clarify, what I mean is that the descriptive aspect of your great metaphors are too cliche. But dont in anyway take my advice, I am not a good writter. - no scratch that - i am not one to be called a writter, that's not fair for all the other writters.

But I do think it is cliche, but it is probably just me. Here is an example though.

"In my mind, my garden grows beautifully
Roses, and lilies, posies, and poppies
Blossom against midnight skies."

I won't try to interpret the metaphor and give you, the author.. who already knows what it means... a translation or attempt to, but here is an idea of a garden blossoming within your mind, or the person who has written this to the other person. A very good idea, but then you type an adjective like "beatifully" and also before that have "grows" - words that have some direct relation to the subject being talked about, in our case your garden, no - i could be wrong, there could be self-loathing for the oneself so the garden could have been the exact opposite, but in this poem, it is not.

The latter descriptions about the garden? you name flowers, maybe they are specified references that you must use for yourself, because there is some personal or other level emotional link between you and roses and lilies, if not, then i think they were very obvious choices, obvious but also bland because of your polished writting, they get away with being cliche.

Like it is shown through my rating of this work, I do not think this is the best it can be. If i am wrong, and I probably am, (dont trust my judgement) then besides the descriptive aspects for the poem, there are other things that could use some editing and changes.

This is very polished though, the ideas are very good, it is very promising, I really do like this, a bit melodramatic for me (writting about "love") but that is just preferance..

the writting has gotten an 8 from me, but... obviously... the writter's potential in this peice undoubtedly prove otherwise that her qualities amount to much more than a mere 8.

Hope this was'nt to long, if it was though.. you will live. :)

hope this was helpful.

xo, jon

( Posted by: DreamSyndicate [Member] On: June 17, 2005 )

Liz, FelineWhip, Jon
Liz-
Hope you're having fun in TN. You and I both know that excess thought helps very little beyond theoretical physics, and the development of a migraine. I think we are a little mad to create these pretend relationships inside our heads that we bask in. It's wonderful, isn't it?

FelineWhip-
Sometimes I wonder if they aren't all unworthy, but nonetheless they are created. There's a reason that absence makes the heart grow fonder-- it makes the memory grow dimmer as well.

Jon-
Thank you so much for your comment! Don't be shy about submitting writing, if you look back to my earlier posts (see both drafts of "Promise Ring" for example) you'll see how much this site has helped me to grow as a writer.

It's odd that you commented on both the overtness of my metaphors, and their cliche'd-ness(if you will). I chose the garden metaphor in an attempt to let the reader understand what I meant. Flowers are an easy metaphor for love, made often. That's a nice ground to start a difficult metaphor from. So in her mind, her "love" is in bloom, and wonderful.. In reality, she's holding onto something dead, gone, and forgotten by the giver. In fact, because they were cut carnations that love was never alive. I was playing on the "I close my eyes and all the world drops dead/ I open my lids and all is born again" line, directly from Plath's piece. With help from Co.Konspirator (William, look into his writing) I interpreted that to mean she closes her eyes and all her problems fade, she opens them and they all come back again. However, I took her death/birth metaphor and flipped it. In her mind the death of her problems (lack of love) is the causal of the birth of her wonderland. In reality, the death of her wonderland is the causal to the birth of her reality. I tried to pull the open/closed eyes theme through a lot.

Perhaps my choice in flowers were cliche, but that wasn't the part I wanted my reader to look into; I wanted them to examine the previous metaphor in comparison to the current one. I could be wrong, and I'm sure there are other instances in the piece where I was cliche in an accidental way. Thank you for all your input, I like having to reexamine my own choices in writing. Keep commenting!

-Casey

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: June 17, 2005 )

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