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"You are not going to believe this shit. Caroline lost fifteen pounds over the break. I mean how do you lose weight over the holidays, let alone fifteen pounds? I probably put on ten pounds in candied yams alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this, but I think I'm going to break up with her."
"No, I'm dead serious. She can't just go off and lose fifteen pounds without a thought to how I'm going to react, can she? I mean, when we got together she was a little on the round side, not too fat but not some stick figure like those bubble headed soriety girls that are always looking down their nose at me like I need a bath or something."
"Yeah, she looks better now. But that's the problem. She looks too good. I mean there is a scientific formula involved here. The law of
inappropriate distance of appearance, or some shit. I mean other guys are going to hit on her now, good looking guys, guys who play real football and not just Madden in their boxer shorts on the couch."
"Sure she loves me now, but the girl who fell in love with me couldn't say no to a cheeseburger with extra mayo and bacon. Before you know she'll be looking down her nose at my french fries and ordering broiled chicken sandwiches and side salads. This skinny version of her won't love me for long, just long enough to tell me it's been fun, but I've got a frat party lined up for Friday night, you'll have to watch Smallville by yourself."
"Ridiculous, I'm not being any such thing. I'm just being realistic. It's better to cut her loose before she realizes she can do better. Besides big girls are better in the sack anyway. It's something about fear, I think. Overcompensating for a lack of self esteem by being more experimental. Now that she's trimming down she'll be more concerned with how much she likes this new look than taking care of me."
"So you wanna go checkout the waitresses at the all you can eat joint on Sixth? I'll cut her loose in the morning over breakfast, who knows
maybe the shock will make her go off her diet and I can make ammends once she's working some depression weight."
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Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.
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Three Bills
