Getting In
by andyhavens (Member) - published: February 22, 2005
Word Count: 304 Word Bytes: 2311 Viewed: 441 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by andyhavens

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Getting In

Part I: Around

If I have to be funny
at the front door
I will hear the screen door out back
slam.
Peering in the blue draped windows
only makes you
nervous, makes you
shut the blinds.
If I knock too hard
you run upstairs.
If I knock too soft
you pretend
you do not hear.
If I ring (ring, ring, ring)
the bell,
well,
that is what you waited for
and you don't trust that
anymore.

I will slip
a piece of parchment paper
in the brass slot
where mail used to drop
(rules change;
curbside box;
slot remains).

One word written.
One word only.
In watery sepia, loopy hand scrolled
Baroque stroke lines and curls.

One word.
One word only.

Part II: There

I'll wait across the street.
In the little public park.
Underneath the yellow willow
where the old men stop to rest.

I'll face the other way
so I won't see you approach.
I'll wait until it's dark,
your shadow won't give you away.

I'll wait until it's quiet.
I'll wait until you're calm.
The echoes from the sun have died,
and everything is still.

They all tried to get inside.
But I know why you are frightened.
I don't need to see your curtains
except from here, across the street.

I'll wait until the moon grows soft
with sleepiness and stories.
I'll wait until I feel your hand
in mine as you sit down.

Part III: Here

Tomorrow they'll see the
crack
pester push
maybe not even wait.
But nobody's home.
Nobody's home.
Empty shell.
The princess prize taken.
Stolen by silence, by darkness, by ink.
Dust ruffles, wainscotting, sheers and an end table.
All useless. Waiting
for a mistress now
fled.
No clue, no evidence.
Where? Why abandoned?
Just one word
on parchment
one only,

"mercy."

------
______________________________________________

I blog irregularly at TinkerX. I'm also on Twitter. @andyhavens, go figure.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Getting In"
by andyhavens

Stunning
This poem is absolutely beautiful. I love the feeling of it, the words you say, the imagery, the symbollism. I have only one small problem-- stanza 4, part II feels very strange, it just doesn't read correctly. All in all, though, I think this is very good.
-Casey

( Posted by: shefallssoftly [Member] On: February 23, 2005 )

shefallssoftly is right
Part II, 4. reads funny. I think if I switched it to:

They all tried to get inside,
but I know you are frightened.
I don't need to see past curtains,
I'll stay here across the street.

Maybe that works better. Let me know.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: February 24, 2005 )

Surely Goodness and Mercy
Good Grief, Andy, only you could start an old hymn spinning in my head, while rousing random musings on the mythology of Penelope.

I think there's a bit of awkward phrasing in this poem which isn't strictly limited to Part 2, Stanza 4. To my eye, the phrasing falters in maintaining a fluid consistency through your past-present-future tenses and I feel a number of your descriptions might be a little too stripped.

If I ring (ring, ring, ring)
the bell
well
that is what you waited for
and you don't trust that
anymore

I'm craving a "once" between "you" and "waited", because in describing a scenario in projected time, the exact placement of events can become hazy. Same with --

I'll face the other way
So I won't see you approach
I'll wait until it's dark
Your shadow won't give you away

I think what bothers me, regarding your descriptive language, is the consistent use of small words throughout the poem. I get the feeling that this is meant to imply the tone of a hushed, trustworthy voice, yet I worry that it veers too near something I've heard described as "laundry list language". I'd like more variety in texture, here, a verbal topography which includes larger words -- and I find myself missing your particular deft with alliteration.

I love the essential idea of your poem, though. I really think you've hit on a concept which is dense with archetypal material. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure if "mercy" is the final word which fits... in a way, I'm not sure if it fully sums up the whole of the poem or describes the magic condition which draws a woman out of her shell. I feel that magic word should be something a little closer to understanding, acceptance or even openness, though I feel those words don't quite capture the essential thing, either.

A part of me wonders if it might be best to simply leave your readers guessing about that final word?

Nevertheless, an engaging, thought-provoking read, Andy. Of course, I've come to expect no less from your pen.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: February 27, 2005 )

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