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8Odysseus

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I wake up on the wrong side of town,
Across the railroad tracks,
In the darkness.
And here I find the funniest thing:
A blind man in a lawn chair.
Says he's watching the grass grow.
But he doesn't know it's 3 a.m.
Across the weedy, gravel yard,
Through the rusted, squeaking gate,
Down to the bank of the river.
The body of a baby--
A plastic bag.
Depends on how you look at it.

I wake up on the wrong side of the bed,
Across the railroad tracks,
In broad daylight.
And here I find the saddest thing:
The lawn chair empty,
And blood on the rails.
A homeless man warms his hands,
In the flames of a chemical drum.
But he doesn't know it's 9 a.m.
And everyone else is in their suit,
In their office, with their coffee.

I wake up on the wrong side of you.
You don't cross that railyard,
You don't know the blind, the cold, or the hungry.
And you don't know me.

------
Define yourself or someone else will.


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Comments

The following comments are for "The Railyard"
by Beautiful Disaster

Yes!
I like this very much. Very heartfelt and descriptive. Well done!

( Posted by: Odysseus [Member] On: June 14, 2004 )

Very Good
I'm especially intrigued by the deft with which you worked through your mirroring symbolism and the subtlety with which you made your final point. Makes me think I'm going to have to go trolling through your archives looking for your prior posts.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: June 14, 2004 )

railyard
I thought the first stanza was the strongest, mainly because it seems like just an observation of the world; I like that. There wasn't any nauseating talk of "You did this to me, you bastard" or "You don't know me", no self-involved bullshit, no, just an interesting scene, if you will.

Second stanza is more of the same. Delicious in it's own little wierd way, slightly repetitive but still good, and then the third stanza waltzes in.

I hated it. Things get personal and it just seems out of the blue. I think I might have flinched when I saw that evil word, "you." To be perfectly honest, I've read far too many poems like this. I think it could be better if the personal angle was alluded to, but never explicitly said.

Then again, I could be wrong. I don't know a damn thing about poetry, really. Anyways, good read, still a cut above the rest.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: June 15, 2004 )

Touche..
Die-Daily, thankyou for your suggestions.. I agree that bringing in the word "you" detracts from the whole impersonal nature of the railyard image, but I don't see how else to word the feelings.. Perhaps I'll revise it as follows:

I wake up on the wrong side of life.
Don't cross that railyard.
Don't know the blind, the cold, or the hungry.
Don't know me.

Better??

Merci beaucoup for all the other comments, everyone.. They are much appreciated.

-k

( Posted by: Beautiful Disaster [Member] On: June 23, 2004 )





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