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Chapter 20
I could hear voices, familiar ones, and faint, far away. Hostile voices, scolding each other.
I couldn’t open my eyes, they felt tired and sore. I was lying in a bed. Where was I? I tried to think back to the recent past but nothing showed up in my mind. The voices were becoming louder, but I still couldn’t tell whom they were coming from. I felt like I was in a dream, but I was awake. My entire body was sore, so extremely weak.
My mother and father! The voices were coming from my mother and father. They were talking to each other, not far from where I was lying. I wanted to see them and talk to them but my body wouldn’t permit it. I stayed still as their words became clearer.
“Maybe if you had been watching her more then she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant,” my mother said.
I tensed up, they knew, they knew about my baby. Had I given birth? I wanted to feel my stomach but I could only twitch my fingers.
“I’m sure it happened when she was at your house, you probably don’t remember because you were drunk lying on the couch, Pamela,” my father stated, irritated.
“Look, I’m sober now, will you ever stop judging me? I guess I am not as perfect as your new teenage girlfriend.”
“She is not a teenager, she is 26 and very mature for her age.”
“Ha,” my mother laughed, “well that is the statement of the century.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Oh well maybe she isn’t as mature as you think, I mean she is the reason Lily is laying that hospital bed right now.”
Hospital bed? Why was I in a hospital bed? It all made sense now, I must have given birth. Wait, then why would it be Fay’s fault? Last I remembered I was only 5 months along, maybe the birth had blocked out the last 4 months of my pregnancy. Where was the baby though, why weren’t they talking about my baby?
“That is not true and you know it,” Randy recanted.
“Yeah?” my mother continued, “if you didn’t ignore your real children for May’s kids then maybe Lily wouldn’t have gotten pregnant and oh I don’t know, maybe Betsy wouldn’t be a Satanist at the age of 5.”
“Her name is Fay and a Satanist?” my father questioned, “you are insane, Betsy is no Satanist.”
“Where have you been? She mangled her Barbie and renamed it Lucy. You want to know why she chose Lucy? Its short for Lucifer!”
“Pamela, I know that making me look bad makes you feel better about your past, but it still doesn’t make you any less of a failure as a parent.”
I wanted my parents to stop fighting; it was hurting my ears. I wished someone would just tell me what was going on. With all of my might I pulled my eyelids apart. A blinding white light stung my eyes. A single tear streamed down the side of my face. No one seemed to notice that I was awake. They kept arguing. My head was throbbing along with my shoulder and my abdomen.
“Randy, Lily hates Fay or whatever her name is, and that is the reason the accident happened in the first place. Just take the blame,” said my mother.
What accident? I tried to form words but all that came out was a moan. My parents must have heard the moan because they rushed over to my bedside and leaned over my face. My lips and mouth were so dry that I couldn’t even swallow. I mouthed the word ‘water’ and my father brought me back a paper cup full of it. My mother stroked the top of my head and guided the cup into my mouth. The water was cool and refreshing. I gulped down the entire cup. I felt stronger.
“Oh Lily, we were so worried about you, how do you feel?” My mother asked me concerned.
“Lillian, why didn’t you tell us?” My father asked me softly. I knew he was talking about the baby. I still was confused about the situation; I wanted to ask him about it. I tried to speak, my voice cracked and I whispered, “The baby, what—”
“Water?” My mother asked, “Randy get her some water!”
“No,” I shook my head, “where is it?”
“Where is what?”
“The baby.”
“Here’s some water,” my father helped me drink it. I cleared my throat, my voice felt stronger. I looked up at my mother, waiting for her answer and she just frowned.
“What happened?” I asked, frightened.
Randy nodded to my mother and started to speak, “You were taking a test drive with Fay when the car slid off the road and hit a tree. You weren’t wearing a seatbelt and your head went through the windshield.”
I let the entire information sink in, that’s why it was Fay’s fault. That’s why my head ached so much, but why my abdomen? I winced and turned away. I needed to know.
“The baby?” I looked to my mother.
She took a deep breath and rubbed my arm, “oh, Lily.”
My eyes welled up with tears, “Tell me!” I said as loud as possible.
“It’s gone.”
That was all I needed to hear. Why did God have to take my baby, my only companion? My eyes wouldn’t stop watering; I turned hysterical. My breathing was short and uneven. The bandage wrapped around my head was soaked. I felt like I had just lost my best friend. I cried for the innocent life I destroyed, I cried for myself and the pathetic situation I was in, I cried for my parents; I cried for the world.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were pregnant, Lillian?” My father boasted.
“Randy, obviously she is hurting right now, can you just hold on with your questions.” My mother pulled my head over to her bosom and stroked it softly. My tears stained her shirt, she smelled like roses. She held me like that for an hour.
A doctor came in later to take my vitals; she gave me some pain meds. My mind felt cloudy and I was constantly dizzy. More of my family visited me, no sign of Fay though. The fight had resurfaced in my mind; she was such a coward. Turns out after the accident she ran away in fear and never returned. Nadine brought Tyrone in to see me; he was dressed in a dress shirt and tie. He looked handsome; Nadine was also wearing a dress and surprisingly, a bra. I didn’t even think she owned one. Betsy came in with Curtis. She told me about how mom and dad were going to send her to counseling. I laughed; she didn’t seem too thrilled about it. Francis visited me too, apparently he had been demoted to towel boy for the football team, but he didn’t mind, he told me all he cared about was hanging out with the guys, after a long hot practice. I laughed at that too. Bobbi came in. She told me she was going to move into Rose Gardens Senior Living Center. She told me about how they make you play bingo all day long and how the really old ones poop their pants and then cry. Bobbi said that she would love it there, especially when I came to visit, we would sit in wheel chairs and make fun of the elderly. Bobbi had such a young heart I didn’t know if it was possible for her to ever grow old.
I realized that my family really did notice me. They did care, even if it took a car accident to remind them. My mother could actually sober up and my father could actually stand to be around me without Fay nearby. Also, I realized that it wouldn’t have been ethical to raise a baby at my tender age. I was just ill equipped as a parent. Seeing as that I could barely take care of myself, let alone a brand new child. It was sad how the baby left me, but maybe it was God’s way of showing me that I couldn’t handle it on my own. This experience gave me a chance to start over with a clean slate. My life was a deteriorating old carnival ride; I didn’t feel like fixing it so I just watched for it to finally fall apart, which it did. Now I can start rebuilding a new one, a sweet one, with golden rails.
Thank the heavens I have such a new positive outlook.
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THE BIRTHDAY WISH
