Word Painting
by shefallssoftly (Member) - published: November 19, 2005
Word Count: 254 Word Bytes: 1684 Viewed: 739 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by shefallssoftly

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The sea is slow
and mournful today
as it rocks me gently
side, and side, and side
inside
I think that the sea,
it wants me close, it rocks
me tight like grandmother's
chair when i was young,
and it caresses me slow
and I imagine the brush
of salt against my lips
salt from the sea
from his lips
glancing at my watch,
I imagine that you're waking
as the sea is waking now, with me
in slow deep breaths it rocks
me at its breast
it stretches against me,
and I see your body reaching
out into wakefulness,
reaching far and tense
for reality and away from
the dreams i know you have
of me--
am I still screaming, then?
I see your hands outstretched
in a yawn
I see your hands outstretched
against my skin
apologetically tracing a bruise
blooming like an oleander
wilting, its delicate stem
crushed
your hand against my stem
my spine
and you kiss my neck
you bite me and I bleed
you hungrily lap up the mess
drinking of me
a child at the breast
in awe and wonder at the
the way a flower's leaves might taste
the oleander you cup at my neck
you place in my mouth
to drink from
that masks my words as I scream
the leaves of venom
your death
and I laugh because that never
happened, I think, so silly
of me to let my subconcious run free,
it's easier to just be held
quietly
thoughtlessly
by the sea.

------
She falls softly down from towering pedastools...

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Comments

The following comments are for "Word Painting"
by shefallssoftly

word painting
Fourth and fifth lines: genius!
I also like very much what immediately follows, which to me, looks like the poet engages in a taming process with the subject (the sea). This bit of subjectivity is timely at this point in the poem and a welcome experience for this reader.
I think the motif of the sea is abandoned for too long in the body of the poem.
Great poem, though!

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: November 19, 2005 )

Neat, neat, neat
OK. This piece has something really, really cool at its heart. And I am going to steal it eventually -- since, as T.S. Eliot (my favorite poet once said), "Good artists borrow, great artists steal."

Not that I'm great... but I emmulate greatness where I can. And though I'll steal the cool neatness at the heart of this poem, you'll never know (except for maybe Casey, whom I'll try to remember to ping if/when I use said effect), because it's subtle and I won't use it in the same way she does...

OK. So what do I like so much about this?

Parallelism. More particularly, metaphoric parallelism. OK. Not a new concept, but one not seen much in modern poetry, and very rarely seen here at Lit. And rarely done well, which Casey has done here.

I hesitate to be explicit, because finding the pearl in the oyster (intentional reference) is part of the joy of the poem.

So I'll let it lie... for the moment. But I'll ask the following leading questions:

1. Whom is nursing whom here?'
2. What does it mean to be nursed by the sea?
3. Why is you/he nursing poison?
4. What does "being held by the sea" mean?
5. Is it "so silly?"
6. Look at the bones!

This is deep stuff, campers.

My only two gripes at this stage are (and they are minor):

1. The repetition of "oleander." We know what kind of flower it is, and we know it's poisonous. I don't think the word itself needs to be repeated; I found it jarring and too obvious. Maybe that's partly because it was also in your last poem.

2. I'm not fond of the title; I think it's too generic. I'd prefer something that links to this piece in particular.

Other than those, I'd have to think awhile to come up with some very granular comments/suggestions on this one. And they'd be just that -- really picky, polish-level stuff. The basic nut of this poem is fantastic; really, really heavy stuff.

Nice, nice work. Makes me jealous, Casey.

Cut it out.

; )

Let the stealing begin.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: November 20, 2005 )

Yes, But the Shape of This
Shefalls ~ I love the way your lines mimic the rolling of the sea you're describing -- really, really well done.

I find myself concurring heartily with Andy, particularly where he's prodding at "so silly". As he's pointed out above, there's a wealth of linking sensory images in this and I'd love to see the filtering excuse of daydreaming torn off.

Still, this is a hightly engaging read and one I'm glad I took the time to peruse.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: November 21, 2005 )

Casey/Mesmerizing and Sensual
Was led back to read again.

Willingly partaking of sweet 'death,' while experiencing/surrendering to microcosmic ebb and flow...All is seemingly, though briefly, in sync...

As if a remote view to your own desires..Until self-detachment brings you back..

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Keep making it new.

Strokes...Indeed.
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: November 22, 2005 )

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